Let. Mr. Oldcastle, your very humble servant. Old. Your very humble servant, madam: I ask your pardon; but I profess I have not the honour of knowing you.

heart, I believe I should scarce have stirred | you see I think you fit for a husband, I'll have abroad all day. you myself!-Who can be more proper for a husband, than a man of your age? for, I think, you could not have the conscience, nay, the inpudence, to live above a year, or a year and half, at most: and a good plentiful jointure would make amends for one's enduring you as long as that, provided we live in separate parts of the house, and one had a good handsonie groom of the chamber to attend one; though, really, in my opinion, you'd much better remain single, both for your character and constitution. [Exit LET. Old. Get along, you damned saucy baggage! I thought this cursed easterly wind would blow me no good. I'm resolved I won't stir out again till it changes. [Exit.

Let. Men of your figure, sir, are known by moro than they are themselves able to remember; I am a poor handmaid of a young lady of your acquaintance, Miss Charlotte Highman. Old. Oh! your very humble servant, madam. I hope your lady is well?

Let. Hum! so, so she sent me, sir, with a small message to you.

Old. I am the happiest man in the world! Let. To desire a particular favour of you, Old. She honours me with her commands. Let. She begs, if you have the least affection for her, that she may never see your face again. Old. What! what!

Let. She is a very well-bred, civil, good-natured lady, and does not care to send a rude message; therefore, only bids me tell you, she hates you, scorns you, detests you more than any creature upon the earth; that, if you are resolved to marry, she would recommend you to a certain excellent dry nurse; and lastly, she bids me tell you, in this cold weather, never to go to bed without a good warm treacle-posset; and by no means lie without, at least, a pair of flannel waistcoats, and a double flannel night-cap.

Old. Hold your impertinent, saucy tongue! Let. Nay, sir, don't be angry with me, I only deliver my message; and that, too, in as civil and concise a manner as possible.

Old. Your mistress is a pert young hussy; and

I shall tell her aunt of her.

Let. That will never do; 'tis I am your friend, and if we can get over three little obstacles, I don't despair of marrying you to her, yet. Old. What are those obstacles?

Let. Why, sir, there is, in the first place, your great age; you are at least seventy-five! Old. It is a lie! I want several

months of it. Let. If you did not, I think we may get over this one half of your fortune makes a very sufficient amends for your age.

Old. We shall not fall out about that. Let. Well, sir; then there is, in the second place, your terrible, ungenteel air; this is a grand obstacle with her, who is doatingly fond of every thing that is fine and foppish; and, yet, I think, we may get over this, too, by the other half of your fortune. And now, there remains but one, which, if you can find any thing to set aside, 1 believe I may promise you, you shall have her; and that is, sir, that horrible face of yours, which it is impossible for any one to see without being frightened.

Old. Ye impudent baggage! I'll tell your mistress!--I'll have you turned off!

Let. That will be well repaying me, indeed, for all the services I have done you. Old. Services!

SCENE II-A room in VALENTINE's house.

Enter JOHN, meeting VALENTINE.
John. Sir, a gentleman desires to see you.
Val. Shew him in.
[Exit Jous.

Enter SLAP.

Vul. Your most obedient servant, sir; I have not the honour of knowing you, sir. but I have a small writ against you. Slap. I believe you do not, sir; I ask pardon,

Val. A writ against me!

Slap. Don't be uneasy, sir; it is only for a trifle, sir; about 2001.

Val. What must I do, sir?

Slap. Oh, sir! whatever you please! only pay the money, or give bail; which you please.

I

Val, I can do neither of them this instant, and expect company every moment. I suppose, sir, you'll take my word till to-morrow morning?

will be so good as to step to my house hard by,
Slap. Oh, yes, sir, with all my heart. If you
you shall be extremely well used, and I'll take
your word.

Val. Your house! 'Sdeath! you rascal.
Slap. Nay, sir, 'tis in vain to bully.
Val. Nay, then-Who's there?-my servants?
Enter Servants.

Here, kick this fellow down stairs.
Slap. This is a rescue, remember that—a res
I'll have my lord chief justice's war-
[SLAP is forced off by the Servants.
[Exit VALENTINE.

cue, sir.
rant.

Enter RAKEIT and LETTICE.

Rake. You perceive, Mrs. Lettice, the strength of my passion, by my frequent visits to you. I saw Oldcastle part from you just now; pray, what has he been entertaining you with?

Let. With his passion for your young mistress, or rather her passion for him. I have been bantering him till he is in such a rage, that I actually doubt whether he will not beat her or no.

Rake. Will you never leave off your frolics, since we must pay for them? You have put him

Let. Services! Yes, sir, services; and to let out of humour; and now will he go and put my

lady out of humour; and, then, we may be all beaten for aught I know.

Let. Well, sirrah! and do you think I had not rather twenty such as you should be beaten to death, than my master should be robbed of his mistress?

Rake. Your humble servant, madam; you need not take any great pains to convince me of your fondness for your master. I believe he has more mistresses than what are in our house; but, hang it, I am too polite to be jealous. But, my dear Lettice, I do not approve of this match in our family.

Let. Why so?

a grand entertainment to your mistress, and about a dozen more gentlemen and ladies.

Rake. My chops begin to water. I find your master is a very honest fellow; and, it is possible, may hold out two or three weeks longer.

Let You are mistaken, sir; there will be no danger of his giving any more entertainments; for there is a certain gentleman, called an uphosterer, who, the moment that the company is gone, is to make his entrance into the house, and carry every thing out on't.

Rake. A very good way, faith, of furnishing a house to receive a wife in! your master has set me a very good pattern against you and I mar ry, Mrs. Lettice.

Rake. Why, you know how desperate ValenL.ne's circumstances are, and she has no fortune. Let. Sauce-box! Do you think I'll have you? Let. She bath, indeed, no fortune of her own; Rake. Unless I can provide better for myself. but her aunt Highman is very rich. And then, Let. Well, that I am fond of thee, I am cer you know, we've hopes enow! There are hopes of tain; and what I am fond of, I can't imagine, my young master's growing better, for I am sure unless it be thy invincible impudence. there is no possibility of his growing worse; Rake. Why, faith, I think I have the impuhopes of my old master's staying abroad; hopesdence of a gentleman, and there is nothing better of his being drowned, if he attempts coming to succeed with the ladies. home; hopes of the stars falling

Rake. Dear Mrs. Lettice, do not jest with such serious things as hunger and thirst. Do you really think that all your master's entertainments are at an end?

Let. So far from it, that he is this day to give

Let. Yes, yes, and be hanged to you! You know the power you have over us too well; and, though we are thoroughly acquainted with your falsehood, yet we are, nine in ten of us, fools enough to be caught.

ACT II.

ENE I.-A square, with VALENTINE's house. | how hath he behaved himself in my absence! I

Enter GOODALL and Servant, with a portmanteau.

LETTICF comes out of the house.

Good. This cursed stage-coach from Portsouth hath fatigued me more than my voyage tram the Cape of Good Hope; but, Heaven be praised, I am once more arrived within sight of my own doors. I cannot help thinking how pleased my son will be to see me returned a full year sooner than my intention.

Let. He would be much more pleased to hear you were at the Cape of Good Hope yet. [Aside. Good. I hope I shall find my poor boy at home; I dare swear he will die with joy to see me. Let. I believe he is half dead already; but row for you, my good master.-[Aside.—Bless me! What do I see? An apparition!

Good. Lettice!

Let. Is it my dear master Goodall, returned, or is it the devil in his shape? Is it you, sir? Is at positively you yourself.

Good. Even so. How do you do, Lettice? Let. Much at your honour's service. I am Leartily glad it really makes me cry-to see your honour in such good health. Why, the air of the Indies hath agreed vastly with you. Indeed, sir, you ought to have staid a little longer there, for the sake of your health-I would to the Lord you had! [Aside. Good. Well; but how does my son do? And

hope he hath taken great care of my affairs?

Let. I'll answer for him; he hath put your affairs into a condition that will surprise you.

Good. I warrant you, he is every day in the Alley. Stocks have gone just as I imagined; and if he followed my advice, he must have amassed a vast sum of money.

Let. Not a fathing, sir.
Good. How, how, how!

Let. Sir, he hath paid it out as fast as it came in.

Good. How!

Let. Put it out, I mean, sir, to interest, to interest. Sir, why, our house hath been a perfect fair ever since you went; people coming for money every hour of the day.

Good. That's very well done; and I long to see my dear boy.-[To LETTICE.]-Knock at the door.

Let. He is not at home, sir; and if you have such a desire to see him

Enter SECURITY.

Sec. Your servant, Mrs. Lettice.

Let. Your servant, Mr. Security. Here's a rogue of a usurer, who hath found a proper time to ask for his money in! [Aside.

Sec. Do you know, Mrs. Lettice, that I am weary of following your master, day after day, in this manner, without finding him; and that if

Good. Yes, sir; this young woman's master, who lives at that house; Mr. Valentine Goodall is my son.

Sec. Yes, sir, he does; and I am very glad you are returned to pay it me.

Good. There go two words, though, to that bargain.

Let. I believe, sir, you will do it with a great deal of joy, when you know that his owing this money, is purely an effect of his good conduct. Good. Good conduct! Owing money good

conduct!

Let. Yes, sir; he hath bought a house at the price of two thousand pounds, which every one says is worth more than four; and this he could not have done without borrowing this thousand pound. I am sure, sir, I, and he, and Trusty, ran all over the town to get the money, that he might not lose so good a bargain. He'll pay the money fast enough, now, [Aside. Good. I am overjoyed at my son's behaviour. Sir, you need give yourself no pain about the money; return to-morrow morning, and you shall receive it.

it ?

Let. Well, and it is in this that it stands.
Good. What, not the great house, yonder, is

Let. No, no, no. Do you see that house yonder-where the windows seem to have been just cleaned?

Good. Yes.

Let. It is not that-and, a little beyond, you see another very large house, higher than any other in the square?

Good. Out of her senses!

Let. Yes, sir; her family hath taken out a commission of lunacy against her; and her son, who is a most abandoned prodigal, has sold all she had for half its value.

Good. Son! why she was not mrrried when I went away; she could not have a son.

Let. O yes she could, sir-She's not married, to be sure; but to the great surprise of every one, and to the great scandal of all our sex, there appeared all of a sudden a very lusty young fellow, of the age of three and twenty, whom she owned to have been her son, and that his father was a grenadier in the first regiment of guards.

Good. Oh. monstrous!

Let. Ah, sir, if every child in this city knew his own father, if children were to inherit only the estates of those who begot them, it would cause a great confusion in inheritances! Good. Well, but I stand here talking too long; knock at the door.

Let. What shall I do? [Aside. Good. You seem in a consternation; no accident hath happened to my son, I hope. Let. No, sir, but-

Good. But! but what? Hath any one robbed me in my absence?

Let. No, sir; not absolutely robbed you, sir. What shall I say?[Aside

Good. Explain yourself: speak.

Let. Oh, sir! I cant withhold my tears no longer- -Enter not I beseech you, sir, your house-Sir, your dear house, that you and I, and my poor master loved so much, within these six months

Good. What of my house within these six months

Let. Hath been haunted, sir, with the most terrible apparitions that were ever heard or beheld! you'd think the devil himself had taken possession of it: nay, I believe he hath too : all the wild noises in the universe, the squeaking of pigs, the grinding of knives, the whetting of saws, the whistling of winds, the roaring of seas, the hooting of owls, the howling of wolves, the braying of asses, the squalling of children, and Let. But it is not that. Take particular no- the scolding of wives, all put together, make not tice of the house opposite to it; a very hand-so bideous a concert. This I myself have heard; some house, is it not? nay, and I have seen such sights! one with about twenty heads, and a hundred eyes, and mouths and noses in each.

Good. I do.

Good. Yes; indeed it is.

Let. That is not the house. But you may see one with great gates before it, almost opposite to another that fronts a street; at the end of which stands the house which your son hath bought.

Good. There is no good house in that street as I remember, but Mrs. Highman's. Let. That's the very house.

Good. That is a very good bargain, indeeds

Good. Heyday! the wench is mad! Stand from before the door! I'll see whether the devil can keep me out from my own house. Haunted, indeed!

Let. Sir, I have a friendship for you, and you shall not go in.

Good. How? not go into my own house?
Let. No, sir, not till the devil is driven out

on't; there are two priests at work upon him now. Hark, I think the devils are dancing a Fandango. Nay, sir, you may listen yourself and get in too, if you can.

Good. Ha! by all that's gracious, I bear a noise! [Laughing within.] What monstrous squalling is that?

Let. Why, sir, I am surprised you should think I would impose upon you: had you known the terrors we underwent for a whole fortnight, especially poor I, sir, who lay every night frightened with the sight of the most monstrous large things! there I lay, as quiet as a lamb, fearing every minute what they would do to

me

Good. Can all this be true, or are you imposing on me? I have indeed heard of such things as apparitions, on just causes, and beleve in them; but why they should haunt my house, I can't imagine.

Let. Why, sir, they tell me, before you bought the house, there was a pedlar killed

in it.

Good. A pedlar! I must inquire into all these things. But, in the mean time, I must send this portmanteau to my son's new house.

Let, No, sir, that's a little improper at present. Good. What, is that house haunted? Hath the devil taken possession of that house too?

Let. No, sir; but Madam Highman hath not vet quitted possession of it. I told you before, ar, that she was out of her senses; and if any one does but mention the sale of her house to ber, it throws her into the most violent convul

Good. Well, well: I shall know how to humour her madness.

Let. I wish, sir, for a day or twoGood. You throw me out of all manner of pabence. I am resolved I will go thither this in

Let. Here she is herself; but pray remember the condition she is in, and don't do any thing to chagrin her.

Enter MRS. HIGHMAN.

Mrs. High. What do I see! Mr. Goodall returned?

Let. Yes, madam, it is him; but alas! he's not himself-he's distracted; his losses in his voyage have turned his brain, and he is become a downright lunatic.

Mrs. High. I am heartily concerned for his misfortune. Poor gentleman!

Let. If he should speak to you by chance, have no regard to what he says; we are going to shut him up in a madhouse with all expe

dition.

Mrs. High. [Aside.] He hath a strange wandering in his countenance.

Good. [Aside.] How miserably she is altered! She hath a terrible look with her eyes.

Mrs. High. Mr. Goodall, your very humble servant. I am glad to see you returned, though I am sorry for your misfortune.

Good. I must have patience, and trust in Heaven, and in the power of the priests, who are now endeavouring to lay these wicked spirits, with which my house is haunted; but give me leave to ask you the cause of your phrenzy ; for 1 much question whether this commission of lunacy that has been taken out against you, be not without sufficient proof.

Mrs. High. A commission of lunacy against me! me!

Good. Lettice, I see she is worse than I imagined.

Let. She is very bad now indeed.

Mrs. High. However, if you are not more mischievous than you at present seem, I think it is wrong in them to confine you in a madbouse.

that you

Good. Confine me! ha, ha, ha! This is turning the tables upon me indeed! But, Mrs. Highman, I would not have you be your house is sold at least, it is better for uneasy that my son hath bought it than another; for you shall have an apartment in it still, in the same manner as if it was still your own, and you were in your senses.

Mrs. High. What's all this? As if I was still in my senses! Let me tell you Mr. Goodall, you are a poor distracted wretch, and ought to have an apartment in a dark room, and clean straw.

Good. Since you come to that, madam, I shall not let you into my doors; and I give you warning to take away your things, for I shall fill all the rooms with goods within these few days.

Enter SLAP, Constable, and Assistants.
Slap. That's the door, Mr. Constable.
Let. What's to be done now, I wonder?
Con. Open the door, in the king's name, or
I shall break it open.

Good. Who are you, sir, in the devil's name? and what do you want in that house?

Slap. Sir, I have a prisoner there, and I have my lord chief justice's warrant against him. Good. For what sum sir? Are you a justice of the peace?

Slap. I am one of his majesty's officers, sir; and this day I arrested one Mr. Valentine Goodall, who lives in this house, for two hundred pounds; his servants have rescued him, and I have a judge's warrant for the rescue.

Good. What do I hear! But hark'e, friend, that house that you are going to break open, is haunted; and there is no one in it but a couple of priests, who are laying the devil.

Slap. I warrant you I lay the devil better than all the priests in Europe. Come, Mr. Constable, do your office, I have no time to lose, sir; I have several other writs to execute before night.

Let. I have defended my pass as long as I can, and now I think it is no cowardice to steal [Esit,

off.