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Rog. [Without.] Master Lint, the potter-carrier, Sir Jacob.

Sir Jac. Let him in. What the deuce can he want?

Enter LINT.

Sir Jac. Well, Master Lint, your will? Lint. Why, I come, Sir Jacob, partly to inquire after your health, and partly, as I may say, to settle the business of the day,

Sir Jac. What business?

Lint. Your worship knoweth, this being the day of election, the rabble may be riotous; in which case, maims, bruises, contusions, dislocations, fractures simple and compound, may likely ensue: now, your worship need not be told, that I am not only a pharmacopolist, or vender of drugs, but likewise chirurgeon, or healer of wounds.

Sir Jac. True, master Lint, and equally skilful in both.

Lint. It is your worship's pleasure to say so, Sir Jacob. Is it your worship's will that I lend a ministring hand to the maimed?

Sir Jac. By all means.

Lint. And to whom must I bring in my bill?
Sir Jac. Doubtless, the vestry.

ROGER brings the News.

Sir Jac. Liars! Here, look at the list of their cures. The oath of Margery Squab, of RatcliffHighway, spinster!

Lint. Perjuries.

Sir Jac. And see here, the churchwardens have signed it.

Lint. Fictitious, Sir Jacob!

Sir Jac. Sworn, before the worshipful Mr.
Justice Drowsy, this thirteenth day of
Lint. Forgery!

Sir Jac. Why, harkye, sirrah, do you think Mr. Justice Drowsy would set his hand to a forgery?

Lint. I know, Sir Jacob, that woman; she has been cured of fifty diseases in a fortnight, and every one of them mortal.

Sir Jac. You impudent——
Lint. Of a dropsy, by West-
Sir Jac. Audacious-
Lint. A cancer by Cleland-
Sir Jac. Arrogant-

Lint. A palsy, by Walker-
Sir Jac. Impertinent-

Lint. Gout and sciatic, by Rock
Sir Jac. Insolent-

Lint. Consumption, by Steven's drops-
Sir Jac. Paltry-

Lint. Your worship knows, that kill or cure, I have contracted to physic the parish-poor by the great but this must be a separate charge. Sir Jac. No, no; all under one; come, mas-lorter Lint, don't be unreasonable.

Lint. Indeed, Sir Jacob, I can hardly afford it. What with the dearness of drugs, and the number of patients the peace has procured me, I can't get salt to my porridge.

Sir Jae. Bad this year, better the next. We must take things rough and smooth as they run. Lint. Indeed, I have a very hard bargain. Sir Jac. No such matter: we are, neighbour Lint, a little better instructed. Formerly, indeed, a fit of illness was very expensive; but now, physic is cheaper than food.

Lint. Marry, heaven forbid!

Sir Jac. No, no: your essences, elixirs, cmetics, sweats, drops, and your pastes, and your pills, have silenced your pestles and mortars. Why, a fever that would formerly have cost you a fortune, you may now cure for twelve pennyworth of powder.

Lint. Or kill, Sir Jacob.

Sir Jac. And, then, as to your scurvies, and gouts, rheumatisms, consumptions, coughs and catarrhs, tar-water and turpentine will make you as sound as a roach.

.

Lint. Nostrums.

Sir Jac. Specifics, specifics, master Lint. Lint. I am very sorry to find a man of your worship's Sir Jacob, a promoter of puffs! an encourager of quacks, Sir Jacob!

Sir Jac. Regulars, Lint, regulars; look at their names-Roger, bring me the news-not a soul of them but is either P. L. or M. D.

Lint. Plaguy liars; murderous dogs.

Lint. And squinting by the Chevalier Tay

Sir Jac. Pill-gilding puppy !

Lint. And as to the justice, so the affidavit brings him a shilling

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Sir Jac. Why, harkye, rascal, how dare you abuse the commission You blood-letting, tooth-drawing, corncutting, worm-killing, blistering, glistering

to

Lint. Bless me, Sir Jacob, I did not think

Sir Jac. What, sirrah, do you insult me in my office? Here, Roger, out with him!--Turn him out!

Lint. Sir, as I hope to be

Sir Jac. Away with him! [Exit LINT.] You scoundrel, if my clerk was within, I'd send you this instant to Bridewell. Things are come to a pretty pass, indeed, if, after all my reading in Wood, and Nelson, and Burn; if, after twenty years attendance at turnpike-meetings, sessions, petty and quarter; if, after settling of rates, licensing ale-houses, and committing of va grants-But all respect to authority is lost, and Unus Quorum, now-a-days, is no more regarded than a petty constable.- -[Knocking] Roger, see who is at the gate? Why, the fellow is deaf!

Rog. Justice Sturgeon, the fishmonger, from Brentford.

Sir Jac. Gad's my life! and major to the Middlesex militia. Usher him in, Roger.

Enter MAJOR STURGEON.

Sir Jac. I could have wished you had come a little sooner, Major Sturgeon.

Maj. Why, what has been the matter, Sir Jaeob?

Sir Jac. There has, major, been here an impudent pill-monger, who has dared to scandalize the whole body of the bench.

Maj. Insolent companion! had I been here, I would have mittimused the rascal at once. Sir Jac. No, no; he wanted the major more than the magistrate; a few smart strokes from your cane would have fully answered the purpose.Well, major, our wars are done; the rattling drum and squeaking fife now wound our

ears no more.

Maj. True, Sir Jacob, our corps is disembodied, so the French may sleep in security.

Sir Jac. But, major, was it not rather late in life, for you, to enter upon the profession of arms?

Maj. A little aukward in the beginning, Sir Jacob: the great difficulty they had was to get me to turn out my toes; but use-use reconciles all them kind of things: why, after my first eampaign, I no more minded the noise of the guns than a flea-bite.

Sir Jac. No!

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Maj. Oh, such marchings and counter-marchings! from Brentford to Ealing, from Ealing to Acton, from Acton to Uxbridge: the dust flying, sun scorching, men sweating-Why, there was our last expedition to Hounslow, that day's work carried off Major Molasses. Bunhill-fields never saw a braver commander! He was an irreparable loss to the service.

Sir Jac. How came that about? Maj. Why, it was partly the major's own fault: I advised him to pull off his spurs before he went upon action; but he was resolute, and would not be ruled.

Sir Jac. Spirit: zeal for the service. Maj. Doubtless-But to proceed: In order to get our men in good spirits, we were quartered at Isleworth the evening before; at daybreak, our regiment formed at Hounslow town's end, as it might be about here. The major made a fine disposition: on we marched, the men all in high spirits, to attack the gibbet where Gardel is hanging; but, turning down a narrow lane to the left, as it might be about there, in order to possess a pig's-stye, that we might take the gallows in flank, and, at all events, secure a retreat, who should come by but a drove of fat oxen for Smithfield! The drums beat in the front, the dogs barked in the rear, the oxen set up a gallop: on they came thundering upon us, broke through our ranks in an instant, and threw the whole corps in confusion.

Sir Jac. Terrible!

away he scoured over the heath. That gallant commander stuck both his spurs into the flank, and for some time held by his mane; but, in crossing a ditch, the horse threw up his head, gave the major a dowse in the chops, and plumped him into a gravel-pit, just by the pow der-mills.

Sir Jac. Dreadful!.

Maj. Whether from the fall or the fright, the major moved of in a month- -Indeed, it was an unfortunate day for us all. Sir Jac. As how?

Maj. Why, as Captain Cucumber, Lieutenant Patty-Pan, Ensign Tripe, and myself, were returning to town in the Turnham-Green stage, we were stopped near the Hammersmith turnpike, and robbed and stripped by a footpad.

Sir Jac. An unforfunate day, indeed!
Maj. But, in some measure, to make me
amends, I got the major's commission.
Sir Jac. You did?`

Maj. O yes. I was the only one of the corps that could ride; otherwise, we always succeeded of course: no jumping over heads; no underhand work among us; all men of honour; and, I must do the regiment the justice to say, there never was a set of more amiable officers!

Sir Jac. Quiet and peaceable !

Maj. As lambs, Sir Jacob. Excepting one boxing bout at the Three Compasses in Acton, between Captain Sheers and the Colonel, concerning a gaine at all-fours, I don't remember a single dispute.

Sir Jac. Why, that was mere mutiny; the captain ought to have been broke.

Maj. He was: for the colonel not only took away his cockade, but his custom; and I don't think poor Captain Sheers has done a stitch for

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Maj. Yes: he had a genius for war; but, what I wanted in practice, I made up by doubling my diligence. Our porter at home had been a serjeant of marines: so, after my shop was shut up at night, he used to teach me my exercise; and he had not to deal with a dunce, Sir Jacob.

Sir Jac. Your progress was great?

Maj. Amazing! In a week, I could shoulder, and rest, and poize, and turn to the right, and wheel to the left; and, in less than a month, I could fire without winking or blinking. Sir Jac. A perfect Hannibal!

Maj. Ah, and then I learnt to form lines, and Maj. The major's horse took to his heels; hollows, and squares, and evolutions and revo

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Sir Jac. Indeed!

Maj. No: soldiers for sun-shine, cocknies; they have not the appearance, the air, the freedom, the Jenny sequoi that-Oh, could you but see me salute! You have never a spontoon in the house?

Sir Jac. No; but we could get a shove-pike. Maj. No matter. Well, Sir Jacob, and how are your fair daughters, sweet Mrs. Sneak and the lovely Mrs. Bruin? Is she as lively and as brilliant as ever?

Sir Jac. Oh ho, now the murder is out; this visit was intended for them? come, own now, major, did not you expect to meet with them here? You officers are men of such gallantry!

Maj. Why, we do tickle up the ladies, Sir Jacob: there is no resisting a red coat.

Sir Jac. True, true, major.

Maj. But that is now all over with me. Farewell to the plumed steeds and neighing troop, as the black man says in the play; like the Roman censurer, I shall retire to my savin field, and there cultivate cabbages.

Sir Jac. Under the shade of your laurels. Maj. True; I have done with the major, and Row return to to the magistrate; Cedunt arma togge.

Sir Jac. Still in the service of your country? Maj. True; man was not made for himself; and so, thinking that this would prove a busy day in the justicing way, I am come, Sir Jacob, to lend you a hand.

Sir Jac. Done like a neighbour.

Maj. I have brought, as I suppose most of our business will be in the battery way, some warrants and mittimuses ready filled up, with all but the names of the parties, in order to save time.

Sir Jac. A provident magistrate! Maj. Pray, how shall we manage as to the article of swearing; for, I reckon we shall have oaths as plenty as hops?

Sir Jac. Why, with regard to that branch of our business to-day, I believe the law must be suffered to sleep.

Maj. Ishould think we might pick up something that's pretty that way.

Sir Jac. No; poor rascals, they would not be able to pay; and as to the stocks, we should never find room for their legs.

Maj. Pray, Sir Jacob, is Matthew Marrow-bone, the butcher of your town, living or dead?

Sir Jac, Living.

Maj. And swears as much as he used? Sir Jac. An altered man, major; not an oath, comes out of his mouth.

Maj. You surprise me! why, when he frequented our town of a market-day, he has taken out a guinea in oaths-And quite changed?

Sir Juc. Entirely-They say his wife has made him a methodist, and that he preaches at Kennington Common.

Maj. What a deal of mischief those rascals do in the country!--Why, then we have entirely lost him?

Sir Jac. In that way; but I got a brace of bind-overs from him last week for a couple of bastards.

Maj. Well done, Master Matthew!-But, pray, now, Sir Jacob-

Mob. [Without.] Huzza!

Sir Jac. What's the matter, now, Roger

Enter ROGER.

Rog. The electors desire to know if your worship has any body to recommend?

Sir Juc. By no means; let them be free in their choice: I shan't interfere.

Rog. And if your worship has any objection to Crispin Heel-tap the cobler's being returning officer?

Sir Jac. None, provided the rascal can keep himself sober. Is he there?

Rog. Yes, Sir Jacob.-Make way there! stand farther off from the gate: here is madam Sneak in a chair along with her husband. Maj. Gad's so, you will permit me to convey her in. [Exit MAJOR.

Sir Jac. Now here is one of the evils of war. This Sturgeon was as pains-taking a Billinsgatebroker as any in the bills of mortality. But the fish has got out of his element; the soldier has quite demolished the citizen.

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Mrs. Sneak. I see, sir, you have a proper sense of my sufferings.

Maj. And would shed my best blood to relieve them.

Mrs. Sneak. Gallant gentleman!
Maj. The brave must favour the fair!
Mrs. Sneak. Intrepid major!
Maj. Divine Mrs. Sneak!

Mrs. Sneak. Obliging commander!
Maj. Might I be permitted the honour-
Mrs. Sneak. Sir

Maj. Just to ravish a kiss from your hand! Mrs. Sneak. You have a right to all we can grant.

Maj. Courteous, condescending, complying

Sir Jac. I am glad to see you, son Sneak. But where is your brother Bruin and his wife? Sneak, He will be here anon, father Sir Ja--Hum-ha! cob; he did but just step into the alley, to gather how tickets were sold.

Sir Jac. Very well, son Sneak. [Exit SNEAK. Mrs. Sneak. Son! yes, and a pretty son you have provided.

Sir Jac. I hope all for the best; why, what terrible work there would have been, had you married such a one as your sister! one house could never have contained you-Now, I thought this meek mate

inonster.

Mrs. Sneak. Meek! a mushroom, a milksop! Sir Jac. Look ye, Molly, I have married you to a man; take care you don't make him a [Exit SIR JACOB. Mrs. Sneak. Monster! Why, major, the fellow has no more heart than a inouse. Had my kind stars, indeed, allotted me a military man, I should doubtless have deported myself in a beseemingly manner.

Maj. Unquestionably, madam,

Mrs. Sneak. Nor would the major have found, had it been my fortune to intermarry with him, that Molly Jollup would have dis

honoured his cloth.

Maj. I should have been too happy.

Mrs. Sneak. Indeed, sir, I reverence the army: they are all so brave, so polite, so every thing a woman can wish

Maj. Oh! Madam

Mrs. Sneak. So elegant, so genteel, so obliging: and then the rank! why, who would dare to affront the wife of a major?

Maj. No man with impunity; that I take the freedom to say, madam.

Mrs. Sneak. I know it, good sir. Oh! I am no stranger to what I have missed.

Maj. Oh, madam!-Let me die but she has infinite merit. [Aside. Mrs. Sneak. Then to be joined to a sneaking, slovenly cit; a paltry, prying, pitiful pinmaker!

Maj. Melancholy !

Mrs. Sneak. To be jostled and crammed with the crowd; no respect, no place, no precedence; to be choaked with the smoke of the city; no country jaunts but to Islington; no balls but at Pewterer's-hall!

Maj. Intolerable!

Enter SNEAK.

Sneak. Chuck, my brother and sister Bruin, are just turning the corner; the Clapham stage was quite full, and so they came by water.

Mrs. Sneak. I wish they had all been soused in the Thames-A prying, impertinent puppy! Maj. Next time I will clap a centinel to secure the door.

Mrs. Sneak. Major Sturgeon, permit me to withdraw for a moment; my dress demands a little repair,

Maj. Your ladyship's most entirely devoted— Mrs. Sneak. Ladyship! he is the very Broglio and Belleisle of the army!

Sneak. Shall I wait upon you, dove?

Mrs. Sneak No, dolt! what, would you leave the major alone? is that your manners, you mongrel?

Maj. Oh, madam, I can never be alone; your sweet idea will be my constant companion. Mrs. Sneak. Mark that! I am sorry, sir, I am obligated to leave you.

Maj. Madam,

Mrs. Sneak, Especially with such a wretched companion.

Maj. Oh, madam――

Mrs. Sneak. But as soon as my dress is re-
stored, I shall fly to relieve your distress.
Maj. For that moment I shall wait with the
greatest impatience.

Mrs. Sneak. Courteous commander!
Maj. Parragon of woinen!

Mrs. Sneak. Adieu!
Maj. Adieu!

[Exit MRS. SNEAK. Sneak. Notwithstanding, sir, all my chicken has said, I am special company when she is not by.

Maj. I doubt not, Mr. Sneak,

Sneak. If you would but come one Thursday night to our club, at the Nagg's-Head in the Poultry, you would meet some roaring, rare boys, i'faith! There's Jemmy Perkins the packer, little Tom Simkins the grocer, honest master Muzzle the midwife———

Maj. A goodly company!

Sneak. Ay; and then sometimes we have the Choice Spirits from Comus's Court, and we crack jokes, and are so jolly and funny! I have

learnt myself to sing An old women clothed in gray. But I durst not sing out loud, because my wife would overhear me; and she says as how I bawls worserer than the broom-man. Maj. And you must not think of disobliging your lady?

Sneak. I never does: I never contradicts her,

not I.

Maj. That's right: she is a woman of infinite

merit.

Sneak. O, a power! And don't you think she is very pretty withal? Maj. A Venus!

Mrs. Bruin. And, pray, who is more fittercr to be trusted?

Bruin. Hey-day! Why, the wer.ch is bewitched! Come, come, let us have none of your palaver here-Take twelve-pence and pay the waterman. But, first see if he has broke Hone of the pipes-And, d'ye hear, Jane, be sure lay the fishing-rod safe. [Exit MRS. BRUIN. Sneak. Od's me, how finely she's managed! What would I give to have my wife as much under!

Bruin. It is your own fault, brother Sneak. Sneak. D'ye think so? She is a sweet pretty Bruin. A vixen.

Sneak. Yes, werry like Wenus--Mayhap you creature. have known her some time?

Maj. Long.

Sneak. Belike before she was married?
Maj. I did, Master Sneak.

Sneak. Ay, when she was a wirgin. I thought you was an old acquaintance by your kissing her hand; for we ben't quite so familiar as thatBut, then, indeed, we han't been married a

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Sneak. Why, to say the truth, she does now and then hector a little; and, between ourselves, domineers like the devil. O, Lord, I lead the life of a dog! Why she allows me but two shillings a week for my pocket. Bruin, No!

Sneak. No, man; 'tis she that receives and pays all: and, then, I am forced to trot after her to church, with her cardinal, pattens, and prayiter-book, for all the world as if I was still a 'prentice!

Bruin. [Within.] Come along, Jane; why, you are as pursy and lazy, you jade

Enter BRUIN and Wife; BRUIN with a cotton cap on; his wife with his wig, great coat, and fishing-rod.

Bruin. Come, Jane, give me my wig; you slut, how you have touzled the curls! Master Sneak, a good morning to you. Sir, I am your humble servant unknown.

Enter ROGER.

Rog. Mrs. Sneak begs to speak with the major.

Maj. I will wait on the lady immediately. Sneak. Don't tarry an instant; you can't think how impatient she is. [Erit MAJOR.] A good morrow to you, brother Bruin; you have had a warm walk across the fields.

Mrs. Bruin. Good lord, I am all in a muckBruin. And who may you thank for it, hussy? If you had got up time enough, you might have secured the stage; but you are a lazy lie-a

bed

Mrs. Bruin. There's Mr. Sneak keeps my sister a chay.

Bruin. And so he may; but I know better what to do with my money: Indeed if the war had but continued awhile, I don't know what mought ha' been done; but this plaguy peace, with a pox to it, has knocked up all the trade of the Alley.

Mrs. Bruin. For the matter of that; we can afford it well enough as it is.

Bruin. And how do you know that? Who told

you as much, Mrs. Mixen? I hope I know the world better than to trust my concerns with a wife: no, no; thank you for that, Mrs. Jane.

Bruin. Zounds! I would souse them all in the kennel.

Sneak. I durst not; and, then, at table I never gets what I loves.

Bruin. The devil!

Sneak. No; she always helps me herself to the tough drumsticks of turkeys, and the damned fat flaps of shoulders of mutton. I don't think I have eat a bit of undercrust since we have been married. You see, brother Bruin, I am almost as thin as a lath.

Bruin. An absolute skeleton !

Sneak. Now, if you think I could carry my point, I would so swinge and leather my lambkin! God, I would so curry and claw her!

it.

Bruin. By the lord Harry, she richly deserves

Sneak. Will you, brother, lend me a lift? Bruin. Command me at all times. Sneak. Why, then, I will verily pluck up a spirit; and the first time she offers to-

Mrs. Sneak. [Within.] Jerry, Jerry Sneak! Sneak. Gad's my life, sure as a gun that's her voice! Look ye, brother, I don't choose to breed a disturbance in another body's house! but as soon as ever I get home

Bruin. Now is

your time.

Sneak. No, no; it would not be decent. Mrs. Sneak. [Within.] Jerry, Jerry ! Sneak. I come, lovy! But you will be sure to stand by me?

Bruin. Trot, nincompoop.

Sneak. Well, if I dont-I wish

'Mrs. Sneak. [Within.] Where is this lazy puppy a-loitering?

Sneak. I come, chuck, as fast as I can-Good lord, what a sad life do I lead! [Exit. Bruin. Ex quovis linguo : who can make a silk purse of a sow's ear?

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