ACT II. SCENE I.-A Street in London. Enter DEVIL, INVOICE, and HARRIET. in an hour, of the great improvements in this Devil. The spirit of discord prevails: The re Devil. Well, my good friends, I hope you public of tied periwigs, like the Romans of old, are not displeased with your journey? Inv. We had no time to be tired. Har. No vehicle was ever so easy. Devil. Then, by you mortals what injustice is done us, when every crazy, creeking, jolting, jumbling coach, is called the devil of a carriage? Inv. Very true. Devil. Oh, amongst you, we are horridly used. Well, sir, you now see I am a devil of honour, and have punctually obeyed your commands: but I shan't limit my gratitude to a literal compliance with our compact; is there any thing else for your service? Inv. Were I not afraid to trespass to much on your time Devil. A truce to your compliments! Though they are the common change of the world, we know of what base metal the coin is composed, and have cried down the currency: speak your wishes at once. have turned their arms from the rest of mankind, Devil. To carry on the mataphor, you must know, in this great town, there are two corps of these troops, equally numerous, and equally for midable: The first, it is true, are disciplined, and fight under a general, whom they christen a President: The second, contains the hussars and pandours of physic; they rarely attack a patient together; not but the latter, single-handed, can do good execution. Inv. But their cause of contention? Devil, Pride. The light troops are jealous of some honours the others possess by prescription, and, though but a militia, think they have right to an equal rank with the regulars. Ino. Why, this in time may ruin their state. Devil. True; but that we must prevent; it is our interest to make up this breach: Already we Inv. England, sir, is our country, it is true; feel the fatal effects of their feuds : By neglectbut Miss Maxwell being born abroad, and mying their patients, the weekly bills daily decline, leaving it young, have made us both as much and new subjects begin to grow scarce in our strangers to its manners and customs, as if you realms. had set us down at Ispahan or Delhi: give us, then, some little knowledge of the people with whom we are to live. Devil. That task, young gentleman, is too much even for the devil himself! Where liberty reigns, and property is pretty equally spread, independence and pride will give each individual a peculiar and separate character: when classed in professions, indeed, they then wear some singular marks, that distinguish them from the rest of their race; these it will be necessary for you to know. Inv. You will highly oblige me. Devil. And at the same time that I am showing you persons, I will give you some little light into things. Health and property, you know, are the two important objects of human attention: You shall first see their state and situation in London. Inv. You mean the practice of physic and law? Devil. I do. And as to the first, you will find it, in some of the professors, a science, noble, salutary, and liberal; in others, a trade, as mean as it is mercenary; a contemptible combination of dunces, nurses, and apothecaries. But you have now a luckly opportunity of knowing more Inv. This does, indeed, claim your attention. Devil. We propose to call in the aid of the law; bleeding the purse is as effectual for damping the spirit, as opening a vein for lowering the pulse. The Dæmon of Litigation has already possessed the licentiates; I must infuse the same passion into the president; and, I warrant you, in two or three terms, with two or three trials, all sides will be heartily tired. But apropos! I see a brace of apothecaries coming this way; they seem deep in debate: Let us listen; we shall best learn from them the present posture of Hush, hide!-You shall here, too, have a proof of what a Proteus I ain. [They retire. Enter JULEP and APOZEM, with a letter. Jul. I tell you, Apozem, you are but young in the business, and don't foresee how much we shall be all hurt in the end. Apo. Well, but what can be done, Mr. Julep? Here, Dr. Hellebore writes me word, that they threaten a siege, and are provided with firearms: would you have them surrender the college at once? Jul. Fire-arms! if they are mad enough not to know that the pen is the doctor's best pistol, | lasts; but then he makes such dispatch, that why let them proceed. one has hardly time to send in two dozen of draughts, Apo. But are we to stand quietly by, and see the very seat of the science demolished and torn. Jul. And with what arms are we to defend it? where are our cannon? We have mortars, indeed, but then they are fit to hold nothing but pestles; and, as to our small arms, of what use can they be in a siege? they are made, you know to attack only the rear. Apo. Come, come, Mr. Julep, you make too light of these matters: to have the lawful descendants from Galen, the throne of Esculapius overturned by a parcel of Goths! Jul. Peace, Apozem, or treat your betters with proper respect! What, numscul! do you think all physicians are blockheads, who have not washed their hands in the Cam or the Isis? Apo. Well, but I hope you will allow that a university doctor. Jul. May, for aught you know, be a dunce. Besides, fool, what have we to do with degrees? the doctor that doses best is the best doctor for us. You talk of the college; there are some of their names, I am sure, that I never desire to see on my file. Apo. Indeed! Jul. Indeed? no, indeed. Why, there's Dr. Diet, that makes such a dust: he had a person of fashion, a patient of mine, under his care t'other day; as fine a slow fever! I was in hopes of half making my fortune— Apo. Yes; I love a slow fever. Was it ner Apo. Shameful! Jul. Infamous! and yet, forsooth, he was one of your college. Well, now, to shew you the difference of men; but the very week after, Dr. Linetus. from Leyden, run me up a bill of thirty odd pounds, for only attending Alderman Soakpot six days in a surfeit. Apo. Ay, that was doing of business. Jul. Ay, that's a sweet pretty practitioner, Apozem we must all do our utmost to push him. Apo. Without doubt. But, notwithstanding all that you say, Mr. Julep, there are some of the gentlemen of the college, that I know Jul. Ah! as fine fellows as ever fingered a pulse; not one in the trade will deny it. Apo. But among'st all now, old Nat Nightshade is the man for my money. Jul. Yes; Nat, Nat has merit, I own: but pox take him! he is so devilish quick to be sure he has a very pretty fluent pen whilst it : Apo. Yes; the doctor drives on, to be sure. Jul. Drives on! If I am at all free in the house when old Nightshade is sent for, as a preparatory dose I always recommend an attorney. Apo. An attorney! for what! Jul. To make the patient's will, before he swallows the doctor's prescription. Apo. That is prudent. Jul. Yes; I generally afterwards get the thanks of the family. Apo. What, Mr. Julep, for the attorney, or the physician? ha, ha! Jul. Ha, ha! you are arch, little Apozem; quite a wag, I profess! Apo. Why, you know, brother Julep, these are subjects upon which one can hardly be se rious. Jul. True, true! but then you should never laugh loud in the street! We may indulge, indeed, a kind of simpering smile to our patients, as we drive by in our chariots; but, then, there is a decency, not to say dignity, that becomes the publie demeanour of us, who belong to the faculty. Apo. True! And yet, there are times when one can hardly forbear: Why, the other day now, I had like to have burst: "I was following a funeral into St. George's--a sweet pretty burying; velvet pall, hat-band and gloves; and, indeed, the widow was quite handsome in all things; paid my bill the next week, without sconcing off sixpence, though they were thought to have lived happily together-but, as I was asaying, as we were entering the church, who should be standing in the porch but Kit Cabbage, the tailor, with a new pair of breeches under bis arm. The sly rogue made me a bow. Servant, Master Apozem !' says he; what, you are carrying home your work, too, I see. 'Did you ever hear such a dog? Jul. Ay, ay; let them, let them—But, is not that Dr. Squib, that is crossing the way? Apo. Yes; you may see it is Squib, by his shuffle. What I suppose now he scouring away for the college. Jul. Who, Squib? how little you know of him! he did not care if all our tribe was tipped into the Thames. Apo. No! Jul. No! Lord help you! he is too much taken up with the national illness, to attend to par ticular ails: why he would quit the best patient in town to hunt after a political secret; and would rather have a whisper from a great man in the Court of Requests, than five hundred pounds for attending him in a chronical case. Apo. Wonderful! who can that dirty boy be, that he has in his hand? Jul. One of his scouts, I suppose. We shall see. Boy. I shall try, sir. Squib. That's well! Mind your business, and go on but as you begin, and I foresee your fortune is made: come, who knows but in a little time, if you are a good boy, you may get yourself committed to Newgate! Boy. Ah, sir, I am afraid I am too young! Squib. Not at all: I have seen lads in limbo much younger than you. Come, don't be fainthearted; there has many a printer been raised to the pillory from as slender beginnings. Boy. That's great comfort, however. Well, sir, I'll do my endeavour. encountered, my Squib. Do, do! What, Apozem ! Julepet lads! you are a couple of lucky rogues! Here, here's a treat for a prince; such a print, boys! just fresh from the plate :Feel it; so wet you may wring it. Jul. And pray, good doctor, what is the subject? Squib. Subject! Gad take me, a trimmer !this will make some folks, that we know, look about them. Hey, Julep, don't you think this will sting? Jul. I profess I don't understand it. Squil. No? Why, zounds, it is as plain as a pike-staff; in your own way, too, you blockhead! Can't you see? Read, read the title, you rogue! But, perhaps, you can't without spectacles. Let me see! ay, The State Quacks; or BritanDia a-dying;' You take it? Jul. Very well. Squib. There you see her stretched along on a pallet; you may know she is Britannia, by the shield and spear at the head of her bed. Apo. Very plain: for all the world like the wrong side of a halfpenny! Squib. Well said little Apozem! you have discernment, I see. Her disease is a lethargy; you see how sick she is, by holding her hand to her head; don't you see that? Jul. Which? Squib. Why, he that holds a draught to her mouth. Jul. What? the man with the phial? Squib. Ay, he with the phial: that is suppo sed to be-[Whispers.] offering her laudanum, to lull her faster to sleep. Jul. Laudanum! a noble medicine, when administered properly. I remember once in a locked jaw Squib. Damn your locked jaw! hold your prating, you puppy! I wish your jaws were locked! Pox take him, I have for forgot what I was going to!-Apozem, where did I leave off? Apo. You left off at faster asleep. Squib. True! I was faster asleep. Well, then, you see that thin figure, there, with the meagre chaps; he with the straw in his hand? Apo. Very plain. Squib. He is supposed to be-[Whispers You take me! Apo. Ay, ay! Squib. Who rouses Britannia, by tickling her nose with that straw; she starts, and, with a jerk-[Starting, strikes JULEP] I beg pardon ! and with a jerk, knocks the bottle of laudanum out of his hand; and so, by that there means, you see, Britannia is delivered from death. Jul. Ay, ay! Squib. Hey! you swallow the satire? Pretty bitter, I think? Jul. I can't say that I quite understand that is-a-a Squib. Not understand? then what a fool am I to throw my time on a dunce! I shall miss, too, the reading the new pamphlet in Red Lion Square; and at six I must be at Serjeant's Inn, to justify bail for a couple of journeymen printers. Apo. But, Dr. Squib, you seem to have forgot the case of the college, your brethren? Squib. I have no time to attend their trifling squabbles! The nation, the nation, Mr. Apozem, engrosses my care. The college! could they but get me a stiptic to stop the bleeding wounds of iny it is there, there, that I feel! Oh, Julep, Apozem! Could they but cast the water of this land, Purge her gross humours, purify her blood, And give her back her pristine health again, I would applaud them to the very echo, That should applaud again! Jul. Indeed, Dr. Squib, that I believe is out of the way of the college. Squib. Throw physic to the dogs, then! I'll have none of't. But tell me, Apozein, inform me, Julep, What senna, rhubarb, or what purga tive drug, Can scour these-hence ? You understand me, lads! Devil. An affectionate wife! Jul. In good truth, not I, sir! Madam Tyth'em, believing her husband was Squib. No! then so much the better! I war-dead, directly sent the sexon for I. rant little Pozy does. Well, adieu, my brave boys! for I have not an instant to lose. Not understand me, hey? Apozem, you do, you rogue? What senna, rhubarb, or-hey, can Scour these Sc-Egad, I had like to have gone too far! Well, bye, bye! [Exit SQUIB. Jul. Why the poor man seems out of his senses ! Enter LAST, with a pair of shoes. Lust. Yes; they are a main happy couple.Sure as a gun, master, when I comed, his face was as black as his cassock: but howsourdever, I took out my lancelot, and forthwith opened a large artifice here in one of the juglers. The doctor bled like a pig. Devil. I dare say. Last. But it did the business howsomdever; I compassed the job. Devil. What, be recovered? Last. Recovered! Lord help you! why, but last Sunday was se'ennight-to be sure, the doctor is given to weeze a little, because why, he is main opulent, and apt to be tisicky-but he composed as sweet a discourse-I slept from beginning to end. Devil. That was composing indeed! Last. Ay, warn't it, master, for a man that is strucken in years? Devil. Oh, a wonderful effort! Last. Well, like your worship, and besides all this I have been telling you, I have a pretty tight hand at a tooth. Devil. Indeed! Lust. Ay; and I'll say a bold word, that, in drawing a thousand I never stumpt a man in iny life: now, let your Rusperni's and all your Last. Pray, good gentlemen, can you tell a foreign mounseers, with their fine dainty freechbody which is the ready road to find Warwick-es, say the like if they can. Iane? Devil. Warwick-lane, friend! and, pr1ythee, what can be thy errand there? Last. I am going there, to take out a licence to make me a doctor, an like your worship. Devil. Where do live? you Last. A little way off in the country, Devil. Your name, honest friend, and your business? Lust. My name, master, is Last; by trade, I am a doctor, and, by profession, a maker of shoes: I was born to the one, and bred up to the other. Devil. Born! I don't understand you! Last. Why, I am a seventh son, and so were my father. Devil. Oh, a very clear title! and pray, now in which branch does your skill chiefly lie? Last. By casting a water, I cure the jaundarse; I taps folks for a tenpenny; and have a choice charm for the agar; and over and above that, master, I bleeds. Devil. Bleeds! and are your neighbours so bold as to trust you? Devil. I defy them. Last. So you may. Then, about a dozen years ago, before these here Suttons made such a noise, I had some thoughts of occupying for the small-pox. Devil. Ay; that would have wound up your bottom at once. And why did not you? Last. Why, I don't know, master; the neighbours were frightful, and wonld not consent; otherwise, by this time, 'tis my belief, men, women, and children, I might have occupied twenty thousand at last. Devil. Upon my word! But, you say a dozen years, Master Last? As you have practised physic without permission so long, what makes you now think of getting a licence? Lust. Why, it is all along with one Lotion, a pottercarrier, that lives in a little town hard by we; he is grown old and lascivious, I think, and threatens to present me at size, if so be I practise any longer. Devil. What, I suppose you run away with the business? Last. Trust me! ay, master, that they will, Last. Right, master! you have guessed the sooner than narra a man in the country. May-matter at once. So, I was telling my tale to hap, you may know Dr. Tyth'em, our rector, at home? Devil. I can't say that I do. Last. He's the flower of a man in the pulpit. Why, t'other day, you must know, taking a turn in his garden, and thinking of nothing at all, down falls the doctor fat in a fit of perplexity: Sawney M'Gregor, who comes now and then to our town, with his pack; God, he advised me to get made a doctor at once, and send for a diplummy from Scotland. Devil. Why, that was the right road, Master Last. Last. True! But, my master Tyth'em tells me, that I can get it done for pretty near the same price here in London; so I had rather, d'ye see, lay out my money at home, than transport it to foreign parts, as we say; because why, master, I thinks there has too much already gone that road. * Devil. Spoke like an Englishman! Last. I have a pair of shoes here, to carry home to farmer Fallow's son, that lives with Master Grogram, the mercer, hard by here, in Cheapside; so I thought I might as well do both businesses under one. Mac. 1 canna say that, sir, nor that I am inteerely dastitute neither; but I shall be unco glad to get a mair solid establishment. Devil. Have you been long in this town? Mac. Aboot a month awa, sir: I launded fra Leith, in the guide ship the Traquair, Davy Donaldson, maister, and am lodged with Sawney Sinclair, at the sign o'the city of Glascow, not far fra the Monument. Devil. But you are in employment? Devil. True! Your way, Master Last, lies be-mount? fore you; the second street you must turn to the left; then, enter the first great gate that you see. Last. And who must I ask for? Devil. Oh, pull out your purse; you will find that hint sufficient: It is a part of the world where a fee is never refused. Last. Thank you, master! You are main kind; very civil, indeed! [Going, returns.] I wish, master, you had now either the agar or jaundarse; I would set you right in a trice. Devil. Thank you, Master Last! but I am as well as I am. Last. Or, if so be you likes to open a vein, or would have a tooth or two knocked out of your head, I'll do it for nothing. Devil. Not at present, I thank you! when I want, I'll call at your house in the country.[Exit. LAST.] Well, my young couple, and what say you now? Inv. Say, sir! that I am more afraid of being sick, than ever I was in my life. Devil. Pho! you know nothing as yet. But my time draws nigh for possessing the president; If I could but get some intelligent person, to conduct you to the place where the licentiates assemble There seems a sober, sedate-looking lad; perhaps, he may answer our purpose.Hark ye, young man? Enter JOHNY MACPHERSON. Mac. What's your wul, sir? would you spear aught wi' me? Devil. Though I think I can give a good guess, pray, from what part of the world may you come? Mac. My name is Johney Macpherson, and I came out of the north. Devil. Are you in business at present? Mac. Ah, for the matter of that, it is a pratty smart little income. Devil. Is it a secret how much? Mac. Not at aw; I get three-pence an hour for larning Latin to a physician in the ceety. Devil. The very man that we want. Latin! and, what, are you capable? Mac. Capable! Hut awa, mon! Ken ye, that I was heed of the humanity-class for mair than a twalvemonth? and was offered the chair of the grammatical professorship in the college, which amunts to a matter of sax pounds British a year. Devil. That's more than I knew. Can you guess, sir, where your scholar is now? Mac. It is na long, sir, that I laft him conning his As in præsenti; after which, he talked of ganging to meet some friends o' the faculty, aboot a sort of a squabble, that he says is sprang up amang them; he wanted me to gang alang wi' him, as I had gi'n mysel to study madicine a little before I quitted the north. Devil. Do you know the public-house where they meet? Mac. Yes, yes; unco weel, sir; it is at the ta vern the south side of Paul's Kirk. Devil. Will you take the trouble to conduct this young couple thither? they will amply reward you. You and your partner will follow this lad. Fear nothing! by my art, you are invisible to all but those that you desire should see you.- -At the college we shall rejoin one another; -for thither the licentiates will lead you. Inv. But how shall we be able to distinguish you from the rest of the fellows? Devil. By my large wig, and superior importance; in a word, you inust look for me in the PRESIDENT. [Exeunt Inv. Adieu! |