they lived; especially, as all this phrafe of adulation can be of no more use to the inclofed carcafe, than the painted arms upon a chariot (which fome times look like a tombstone ornament) can add to the strength of that machine's axle-tree. Neither do we hold it always to be proper, for the Epitaph-mongers to use much precision in mentioning a line of ancestry; for altho' very great men are men of birth, it does not follow, that every man of birth is a great man; befides, is it proper that rich men's relations should be enquired after? Not abfolutely proper, we prefume, having often known money'd men deny their confanguinities; for all rich folks have not fprung from the most noble lineage, the place of their births, like Homer's, being dubious. When parish-bred foundlings, errand-boys, pick-pockets, or pimps, step into chariots, they are ashamed to acknowledge their primitive obfcurity.Befides, when a man can fhew no other letter of recommendation than money to introduce himself, it does not fignify a Birmingham halfpenny, whether he had or had not been born. He is no more than a beast, Whofe back with ingots bows,' 'Till Death unloads him. It is common in married men's Epitaphs to write, He was the best of bufbands,-Now, altho' this is a very uncommon character, enquire of his lady, if the be living, for the truth of it; and his loving relict, especially if fhe's married again, and her fecond choice in company, will, bursting into tears, reply, that her first husband (reft his foul) was the best creature that ever lived, to a wife. Altho' fhe no more fpeaks truth in that refpect, than the Tomb-ftone. As to the modus fcribendi LEARNING, WISDOM, AFFABILITY, WIT, TASTE, JUDGMENT, PUBLIC SPIRIT and MAGNIFICENCE, they grow up, as every man becomes more wealthy; for as it is in the power of money to buy Beau*, Taíte, Genius, Harmony, and every other Accomplishment; he, who is master of money, must be master of univerfal qualifications. One method is worth admiring, these last Character-compilers make use of, which is, after having allowed the remains of the inclosed (in his life-time) to be poffeffed of every manly, generous, genteel perfection, they add, and such accomplishments are proper to adorn an ENGLISHMAN. How exulting must every reader then look about him, who is happy enough to be born a Briton. This one phrase will make us, as indeed we ought to be, and most of us are, quite full of OURSELVES. It is also requifite an Epitaph fhould begin and end with three or four Latin words, fuch as requiefcat in pace, or fifte viator, fac & fimiliter, vos valete plaudite. - Thefe learned phrafes adding dignity to the monument, as a nobleman's name upon the case of a letter, franks a fanction to the fuperfcription. We shall conclude this Differtation, with an infcription, the Editor met with lately at Melton Mowbray, which may be properly called, The Effence of Epitaphs Here lyes the wife of Simon Stokes, With mutual wish, and anxious joy, Gaz'd on their only hope, a Boy. When the fond Dame, whom fancy led, To fashion castles in her head; Bufs'd with a smack her nown good man, Then took a draught, and thus began: Sure Tommy's vaftly grown, my dear; "Come hither child-I fay, come here, "Hold up thy head-ah-he's not "made, "For fuch a vaft laborious trade, To learn his book at grammar-school. N. B. We are beholden to the author Enough, that fomething I might fpare," There let my limbs at ease be spread, Bless'd with their prefence all will smile, XXXXXXXX MORNING and EVENING in the Country. of the Cock and Doves for the fol- H lowing Poem. ARK! how the spirits stirring horn, Hails the life-returning morn. And lightly bounds along the earth The The little fishes curl the stream, Springing to catch their flying game; Up the azure vaulted skies, See the fun refulgent rife. The flowers fhake off tear-like dew, EVENING. Twilight comes on in matron grey, Embrown'd they wear the fad array, Now the foaring felf-pois'd larks, Along the folitary fhade, While fpangle dews impearl the glade ; } By the charms of speaking eyes, By the tender heart-sent sighs, By the tell-tale blush that glows, By the bliss a kiss bestows, By conflicting hopes, and fears, Soft delights, and sharp despairs, I conjure you all to tell, Can ye live, or love fo well? Dare ye, can ye ever prove, What it is to live in love? A Technical, Bibbical, Claffical SONG. To the tune of, The first time at the Looking-glafs the Mother fets her Daughter. OW we are Now I are free from College rules, From systems out of season; From lumber of the lying schools, And fyllogiftic reason: Never more we'll have defin'd, If matter thinks or thinks not; All the matter we fhall mind, Is he who drinks, or drinks not. II. Metaphyfical to trace, The mind or foul abstracted, Or prove infinity of space, By cause on cause effected. By immaterial thinking; Plenum, vacuum, minus, plus, Are learned words, and rare too; Thofe terms our tutors may discuss, And those that please, may hear too. A plenum in our wine we show, With plus and plus behind, Sir; And when our cash is minus low, A vacuum foon we find, Sir. IV. NEWTON talk'd of lights and shades, And different colours knew, Sir: Don't let us disturb our heads, We will but study two, Sir. White White and red our glaffes boast, True humour's rarefaction; After him we'll name our toast, The center of attraction. V. On that Thefts we'll declaim, Then wifely let us blend 'em ; upon mount Lathmos, it was a cruel afperfion. ENDYMION was a famous Miniature Painter; in those days, to whom Diana used to go in an evening to fit for her picture, the Goddefs, being only a night beauty, wou'd not be drawn by daylight. CUPID one day, pinning one of his Mama's Breaft-knots upon Mars, his plume; the God of war refolved to wear it afterwards as a favour, and from hence came the origin of Cockades. HERCULES was the firft Wrestler. XXXXXX{}XXXXXX BACCHUS the first Toaft-mafter. MER It was VENUS (who one day putting on, in a frolic, her Gallant's helmet) took the hint, and ordered the firft BONAnd it was MINERVA invented, NET. what is now called, the Chevaux-defrife Cap. The Goddefs LUCINA brought up the ufe of pack thread Stays. And in a differtation upon child-bed linnen, the Scholiafts obferve, that, for the fake of SEMELE's memory, Jupiter erected the first Founding Hospital. PALLAS invented cold Cream, and Lilly of the Valley Water; for as her blue-eyed Goddefsfhip was much upon. her travels, she was liable to be Sunburnt. DIANA brought Rouge into request; as fhe was obliged to be out fo late at night, her complexion was much impaired; and the was forced to have recourfe to Art, as our present Ladies of Fashion are. But as to her intrigue CURY inftituted Foot-races. VULCAN invented Catgut or Net-work. JUNO was the first Lady (no offence to our prefent Orators) who read curtain Lectures. And every school-boy knows, why four wheel'd carriages are called Phaetons. MIDAS is the tutelary deity of modern Critics and Connoiffeurs; and we take MARSYAS to be fome very impudent foreign Performer, who was faucy to his Patron APOLLO ; for which his master, as a man of fenfe, ought to do, ftripped him, and had the fellow kick'd out of doors. From APOLLO and DAPHNE came the Club of Fortune hunters; and the meeting of the Mules on Parnaffus, gave modern Ladies a hint for establishing morning Concerts. End of the first SCHOLIUM. The differtation upon Muffs, we muft poftpone until winter-time, and now prefent the public, or at least that part of the public, who please to become our readers, with a declamation upon TRAINS. the water, when we follow a veffel in night, that my next door neighbour, full fail. Such graceful appendages are not only becoming to perfons of fathion, but they are very proper, as they encourage the filk manufactories. The confumption of filks, being the restoration of Spittle-Fields; and no fashion is likely to find the loombs fo much employment, as the article of Trains. There was a meeting indeed, between the Leather-fellers, Tanners, and Curriers, concerning a method of preparing calf, hog, horfe, and dogfkin, to line the bottom of the Trains, not only to prevent their tearing out fo foon, but as the bill, which they prefented, fet forth, it would keep them cleaner, fince leather was not fo liable to be foak'd through, as filk. But the Silk-weavers, Mercers, Mantua-makers, Piece-brokers, and Pincufhion-makers, had intereft enough to have the petition rejected; for as they in their answer obferved, fuch linings would make one Train last a whole feafon, which would be very detrimental to the refpondents wives and families. Yet this fcheme would be of great fervice to thofe young Ladies, who don't make up above one Train in a fummer for now they are obliged to abridge themselves of much grandeur in their gait, by looping up their Trains on each fide of the petticoat, for fake of cleanliness, the flaps hanging down like the ears of a large Mastiff. - Yet I have fometimes, I confefs, feen young Ladies fpirited enough to let their Trains trail along the flagftones of Bishopfgate-freet, and drag upon the pavement of Whitechape'.'Tis true, they have a little damaged the edges of their dignity by it; but what fignifies a fine woman putting on fine cloaths, if the don't wear them as the fhou'd do? befides, how can we, as aptly as Simonides did, compare a woman to a peacock, unless fhe bears herself in confequence at every step, by the sweep of her tail. This fweep at the bottom is how grown too common; for it was but latt who takes in ftays to repair, hired a parish girl for her fervant; and I heard her this morning tell the wench where I live, that she had sent an Irish poplin to the fcowrers, and it was to be made up with ruffle-cuffs; but yet, for all that, he would not appear in it at church, if it had not the true quality fweep at the bottom. W HEN the Editor began to compile the History of Fashions, it occurred to him, he ought to take a review of the Fashions of former times, and compare them with those which are at present made use of. In time of old, the Bird IBIS was held in great veneration, and eagerly fought after throughout Ægypt. Throughout England, at the proper feafon, men and dogs too are as affiduous in finding Birds out. Then we have Canary-bird-breeders, Cock-feeders, Pidgeon-fanciers, Parrot-tutors, Quail-pipers, Partridge-fetters, Rookbolters, Duck-decoyers, Capon-makers, and Snipe-shooters. do The SACRED CHICKENS were formerly looked after with great care ; we not now as carefully examine our Cock-pens? The Augurs used to draw great confequences from the fowls, who were kept for that purpose picking up the corn. Sporting men in the present times draw great fums, from obferving the fowls kept for that purpose in their fighting. We excel the ancients in our Horseraces, notwithstanding we have not fo great a genius as Pindar to celebrate them: we have Mr. Pond and Mr. Heber to regifter them; and for the recovery of a bett, the authority of either of the above-mentioned fecretaries of the turf, is more to be depended upon, than all the Greek Odes of antiquity. The combat of the Ceftus, or boxing in fteel mufflers, was a great exercife among the ancients. Similar to that, was |