servant, who is justly hated by the whole family; and you are bound in prudence to lay all the faults you can upon the favourite.

"The cook, the butler, the groom, the market-man, and every other servant who is concerned in the expenses of the family, should act as if his master's whole estate ought to be applied to that servant's particular business. For instance, if the cook computes his master's estate to be a thousand pounds a year, she reasonably concludes that a thousand pounds a year will afford meat enough, and therefore, he need not be sparing; the butler makes the same judgment, so may the groom and the coachman; and thus every branch of expense will be filled to your master's honour.

"When you are chid before company, it often happens that some stranger will have the good-nature to drop a word in your excuse;-in such a case you will have a good title to justify yourself, and may rightly conclude, that, whenever he chides you afterwards, on other occasions, he may be in the wrong; in which opinion you will be the better confirmed by stating the case to your fellow-servants in your own way, who will certainly decide in your favour;-therefore, as I have said before, whenever you are chidden, complain as if you were injured.

"It often happens, that servants sent on messages are apt to stay out somewhat longer than the message requires, perhaps two, four, six, or eight hours, or some such trifle; for the temptation to be sure was great, and flesh and blood cannot always resist: when you return, the master storms, the lady scolds; stripping, cudgelling, and turning off, is the word. But here you ought to be provided with a set of excuses, enough to serve on all occasions: for instance, your uncle came four score miles to town this morning on purpose to see you, and goes back by break of day to-morrow:-a brother servant that borrowed money of you when he was out of place, was running to Ireland-you were taking leave of an old fellow-servant, who was shipping for Barbadoes-your father sent a cow to you to sell, and you could not get a chapman for her till nine at night-you wrenched your foot against a stone, and were forced to stay three hours in a shop, before you could stir a step:-a bailiff, by mistake, seized you for a debtor, and kept you the whole evening in a spunging house, &c. &c.

"Take all tradesmen's parts against your master; and when you are sent to buy anything, never offer to cheapen it, but generously pay the full demand. This is highly to your master's honour; and may be some shillings in your pocket; and you are to consider, if your master has paid too much, he can better afford the loss than a poor tradesman.

"Never submit to stir a finger in any business, but that for

which you were particularly hired. For example, if the groom be drunk, or absent, and the butler be ordered to shut the stable-door, the answer is ready, An't please your honour, I don't understand horses. If a corner of the hangings wants a single nail to fasten it, and the footman be directed to tack it up, he may say, he doth not understand that sort of work, but his honour may send for the upholsterer.

“Masters and ladies are usually quarrelling with the servants for not shutting the doors after them: for neither masters nor ladies consider, that those doors must be open before they can be shut, and the labour is double to open and shut them; therefore the best, the shortest, and the easiest way is to do neither. But if you are so often teazed to shut the door, that you cannot easily forget; then give the door such a clap as you go out, as will shake the whole room, and make every thing rattle in it, to put your master and lady in mind that you observe their directions.

"If you find yourself to grow in favour with your master or lady, take some opportunity in a very mild way to give them warning; and when they ask the reason, and seem loth to part with you, answer that you would rather live with them than any body else, but a poor servant is not to be blamed if he strives to better himself;-that-service is no inheritance, that your work is great, and your wages very small. Upon which, if your master hath any generosity, he will add five or ten shillings a quarter rather than let you go: but if you are baulked, and have no mind to go off, get some fellow-servant to tell your master, that he hath prevailed upon you to stay.

"Whatever tid bits you can pilfer in the day, save them to juncket with your fellow-servants at night, and take in the butler, provided he will give you drink.

"Write your own name, and your sweet-heart's, with the smoke of a candle, on the ceiling of the kitchen, or the servants'-hall, to shew your learning.

"If you are a young sightly fellow, whenever you whisper your young mistress at tea-table, run your nose full in her cheek; or, if your breath be good, breath full in her face ; this I have known to have had very good consequences in some families.

"Never come till you have been called three or four times, for none but dogs will come at the first whistle: and when the master calls, Who's there? no servant is bound to come; for Who's there is nobody's name.

"When you have broken all your earthen drinking-vessels below stairs (which is usually done in a week), the copper pot will do as well; it can boil milk, heat porridge, hold small beer, or, in case of necessity, serve other purposes;

therefore apply it indifferently to all these uses; but never wash or scour it, for fear of taking off the tin.

"Let it be a constant rule, that no chair, stool, or table, in the servants'-hall, or the kitchen, shall have above three legs, which hath been the ancient and constant practice in all the families I ever knew, and is said to be founded upon two reasons; first, to shew that servants are ever in a tottering condition; secondly, it was thought a point of humility, that the servants' chairs and tables should have at least one leg fewer than those of their masters. I grant there hath been an exception to this rule with regard to the cook, who by old custom was allowed an easy chair to sleep in after dinner; and yet I have seldom seen them with above three legs. Now this epidemical lameness of servants' chairs is by philosophers imputed to two causes, which are observed to make the greatest revolutions in states and empires; I mean, love and war. A stool, a chair, or a table, is the first weapon taken up in a general romping or skirmish; and after a peace, the chairs are apt to suffer in the conduct of an amour, the cook being usually fat and heavy, and the butler a little in drink.

"When you stop to tattle with some crony servant, in the same street, leave your own street-door open, that you may get in without knocking when you come back; otherwise your mistress may know you are gone out, and you may be chidden.

"I do most earnestly exhort you all to unanimity and concord. but mistake me not: you may quarrel with each other as much as you please; only always bear in mind, that you have a common enemy, which is your master and lady, and you have a common cause to defend. Believe an old practitioner; whoever, out of malice to a fellow-servant, carries a tale to his master, will be ruined by a general confederacy against him.

"The general place for rendezvous for all the servants, both in winter and summer, is the kitchen: there the grand affairs of the family ought to be consulted; whether they concern the stable, the dairy, the pantry, the laundry, the cellar, the nursery, the dining-room, or my lady's chamber: there, as in your own proper element, you can laugh, and squall, and romp in full security.

"When any servant comes home drunk, and cannot appear, you must all join in telling your master, that he is gone to bed very sick; upon which your lady will be so good-natured as to order some comfortable thing for the poor man, or maid.

"When your master and lady go abroad together, to dinner, or on a visit for the evening, you need leave only one servant in the house, or even one black-guard boy to answer

at the door, and attend the children, if there be any. Who is to stay at home is to be determined by long and short cuts; and the stayer at home may be comforted by a visit from a sweet-heart, without danger of being caught together. These opportunities must never be missed, because they come but seldom, and all is safe enough while there is a servant in the house.

"When your master or lady comes home, and wants a servant who happens to be abroad, your answer must be, that he had but just that minute stept out, being sent for by a cousin who was dying.

"If your master calls you by name, and you happen to answer at the fourth call, you need not hurry yourself; and if you be chidden for staying, you may lawfully say, you came no sooner, because you did not know what you were called for.

"When you are chidden for a fault, as you go out of the room, and down stairs, mutter loud enough to be plainly heard; this will make him believe you are innocent.

"Whoever comes to visit your master or lady when they are abroad, never burthen your memory with the person's name; for, indeed, you have too many other things to remember. Besides, it is a porter's business, and your master's fault he does not keep one; and who can remember names? and you will certainly mistake them; as you can neither write nor read.

"If it be possible, never tell a lie to your master or lady, unless you have some hopes that they cannot find it out in less than half an hour. When a servant is turned off, all his faults must be told, although most of them were never known by his master or lady; and all mischiefs done by others, charged to him. [Instance them.] And when they ask any of you, why you never acquainted them before? the answer is, Sir, or Madam, really I was afraid it would make you angry; and besides, perhaps, you might think it was malice in me. Where there are little masters and misses in a house, they are usually great impediments to the diversions of the servants; the only remedy is to bribe them with goody goodies, that they may not tell tales to papa and

mamma.

"I advise you of the servants, whose master lives in the country, and who expect vales, always to stand rank and file when a stranger is taking his leave, so that he must of necessity pass between you; and he must have more confidence or less money than usual if any of you let him escape; and according as he behaves himself, remember to treat him the next time he comes.

"If you are sent with ready money to buy any thing at a shop and happen at that time to be out of cash, sink the

money, and take up the goods on your master's account. This is for the honour of your master and yourself; for he becomes a man of credit at your recommendation.

"When your lady sends for you up to her chamber to give you any orders, be sure to stand at the door, and keep it open, fiddling with the lock all the while she is talking to you; and keep the handle in your hand, for fear you should forget to shut the door after you.

"If your master or lady happen once in their lives to accuse you wrongfully, you are a happy servant; for you have nothing more to do, than, for every fault you commit while you are in their service, to put them in mind of that false accusation, and protest yourself equally innocent in the pre

sent case.

"When you have a mind to leave your master, and are too bashful to break the matter for fear of offending him, the best way is to grow rude and saucy of a sudden, and beyond your usual behaviour, till he finds it necessary to turn you off; and when you are gone, to revenge yourself, give him and his lady such a character to all your brother-servants who are out of place, that none will venture to offer their service.

"Some nice ladies, who are afraid of catching cold, having observed that the maids and fellows below stairs often forget to shut the doors after them, as they come in, or go out into the back yards, have contrived that a pulley and a rope, with a large piece of lead at the end, should be so fixt, as to make the door shut of itself, and require a strong hand to open it, which is an immense toil to servants, whose business may force them to go in and out fifty times in a morning but ingenuity can do much, for prudent servants have found out an effectual remedy against this insupportable grievance, by tying up the pulley in such a manner, that the weight of lead shall have no effect; however, as to my own part, I would rather chuse to keep the door always open, by laying a heavy stone at the bottom of it.

"The servants' candlesticks are generally broken, for nothing can last for ever. But you may find out many expedients; you may conveniently stick your candle in a bottle, or with a lump of butter against the wainscot, in a powderhorn, or in an old shoe, or in a cleft stick, or in the barrel of a pistol, or upon its own grease on a table, in a coffeecup, or a drinking-glass, a horn-can, a tea-pot, a twisted napkin, a mustard-pot, an ink-horn, a marrow-bone, a piece of dough, or you may cut a hole in the loaf, and stick it there.

"When you invite the neighbouring servants to junket with you at home in an evening, teach them a peculiar way of tapping or scraping at the kitchen-window, which you