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LAURENCE STERNE

THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, GENTLEMAN

1759-67

[The first two volumes of this unique piece of fiction were published in 1759, and at once made the author's reputation; others followed at intervals, the ninth and last in 1767. (See Walpole's comment on the work, page 472, above.) The extracts here printed are intended to represent both Sterne's type of humor, to which he gave the name "Shandyism," and the characteristic vein of sentiment which gives him a place in the so-called "sentimental movement." They are from Book III, chapter XII; Book VI, chapters XVIII and XIX; Book VII, chapters XXXI-XXXV;. Book IX, chapter XXIV.]

[THE CRITIC]

I'LL undertake this moment to prove it to any man in the world, except to a connoisseur:- though I declare I object only to a connoisseur in swearing, as I would do to a connoisseur in painting, etc., etc., the whole set of 'em are so hung round and befetished with the bobs and trinkets of criticism, or, to drop my metaphor, which by the by is a pity, for I have fetched it as far as from the coast of Guinea; their heads, sir, are stuck so full of rules and compasses, and have that eternal propensity to apply them upon all occasions, that a work of genius had better go to the devil at once, than stand to be pricked and tortured to death by 'em.

"And how did Garrick speak the soliloquy last night?" "Oh, against all rule, my lord, most ungrammatically! Betwixt the substantive and the adjective, which should agree together in number, case, and gender, he made a breach thus,stopping, as if the point wanted settling; and betwixt the nominative case, which your lordship knows should govern the verb, he suspended his voice in the epilogue a dozen times, three seconds and three-fifths by a stop-watch, my lord, each time."

"Admirable grammarian! But in suspending his voicewas the sense suspended likewise? Did no expression of atti

tude or countenance fill up the chasm? Was the eye silent? Did you narrowly look?"

"I looked only at the stop-watch, my lord."

"Excellent observer!"

"And what of this new book the whole world makes such a rout about?"

"Oh, 't is out of all plumb, my lord, — quite an irregular thing! Not one of the angles at the four corners was a right angle. I had my rule and compasses, etc., my lord, in my pocket."

"Excellent critic!"

"And for the epic poem your lordship bid me look at,upon taking the length, breadth, height, and depth of it, and trying them at home upon an exact scale of Bossu's, 't is out, my lord, in every one of its dimensions."

"Admirable connoisseur!"

"And did you step in, to take a look at the grand picture in your way back?"

"T is a melancholy daub, my lord! Not one principle of the pyramid in any one group! And what a price! - for there is nothing of the coloring of Titian - the expression of Rubens —the grace of Raphael - the purity of Domenichino - the corregiescity of Correggio - the learning of Poussin - the airs of Guido the taste of the Carrachis or the grand contour of Angelo!"

Grant me patience, just heaven! Of all the cants which are canted in this canting world, though the cant of hypocrites may be the worst, the cant of criticism is the most tormenting! I would go fifty miles on foot, for I have not a horse worth riding on, to kiss the hand of that man whose generous heart will give up the reins of his imagination into his author's hands, be pleased he knows not why, and cares not wherefore. .

[THE BREECHING OF TRISTRAM]

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"We should begin," said my father, turning himself half round in bed, and shifting his pillow a little towards my mother's, as he opened the debate, - "We should begin to think, Mrs. Shandy, of putting this boy into breeches."

"We should so," said my mother.

"We defer it, my dear," quoth my father, "shamefully."

"I think we do, Mr. Shandy," said my mother.

"Not but the child looks extremely well," said my father, "in his vests and tunics."

"He does look very well in them," replied my mother.

"And for that reason it would be almost a sin," added my father, "to take him out of 'em."

"It would so," said my mother.

"But indeed he is growing a very tall lad," rejoined my father. "He is very tall for his age, indeed," said my mother.

"I can not [making two syllables of it] imagine," quoth my father, "who the deuce he takes after."

"I cannot conceive, for my life," said my mother. "Humph!" said my father.

The dialogue ceased for a moment.

"I am very short myself," continued my father gravely. "You are very short, Mr. Shandy," said my mother.

"Humph!" quoth my father to himself, a second time; in muttering which, he plucked his pillow a little further from my mother's, and turning about again, there was an end of the debate for three minutes and a half.

"When he gets these breeches made," cried my father in a higher tone, "he'll look like a beast in 'em."

"He will be very awkward in them at first," replied my mother...

"I am resolved, however," quoth my father, breaking silence the fourth time, "he shall have no pockets in them." "There is no occasion for any," said my mother. "I mean in his coat and waistcoat," cried my father. "I mean so too," replied my mother. "Though if he gets a gig or top poor souls! it is a crown and a sceptre to them they should have where to secure

it."

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Order it as you please, Mr. Shandy," replied my mother. "But don't you think it right?" added my father, pressing the point home to her.

"Perfectly," said my mother, "if it pleases you, Mr. Shandy." "There's for you!" cried my father, losing temper. "Pleases me! You never will distinguish, Mrs. Shandy, nor shall I ever teach you to do it, betwixt a point of pleasure and point of convenience."

This was on the Sunday night, and further this chapter sayeth not.

After my father had debated the affair of the breeches with my mother, he consulted Albertus Rubenius upon it; and Albertus Rubenius used my father ten times worse in the consultation (if possible) than even my father had used my mother. For as Rubenius had wrote a quarto express, De re vestiaria veterum, it was Rubenius's business to have given my father some lights. On the contrary, my father might as well have thought of extracting the seven cardinal virtues out of a long beard, as of extracting a single word out of Rubenius upon the subject.

Upon every other article of ancient dress, Rubenius was very communicative to my father; gave him a full and satisfac

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The Sagum, or soldier's jerkin.

The Trabea: of which, according to Suetonius, there were three kinds.

"But what are all these to the breeches?" said my father. Rubenius threw him down upon the counter all kinds of shoes which had been in fashion with the Romans. There was

The open shoe.

The close shoe.

The slip shoe.

The wooden shoe.

The soc.

The buskin.

And The military shoe with hobnails in it, which

Juvenal takes notice of.

There were The clogs.

The pattins.

The pantoufles.

The brogues.

The sandals, with latchets to them.

There was The felt shoe.

The linen shoe.

The laced shoe.

The braided shoe.

The calceus incisus.

And The calceus rostratus.

Rubenius showed my father how well they all fitted, — in what manner they laced on, with what points, straps, thongs, latchets, ribbons, jags, and ends.

"But I want to be informed about the breeches," said my father.

Albertus Rubenius informed my father that the Romans manufactured stuffs of various fabrics, some plain, some striped, others diapered throughout the whole contexture of the wool with silk and gold; — that linen did not begin to be in common use till towards the declension of the empire, when the Egyptians, coming to settle amongst them, brought it into vogue. That persons of quality and fortune distinguished themselves by the fineness and whiteness of their clothes, which color (next to purple, which was appropriated to the great offices) they most affected, and wore on their birthdays and public rejoicings. That it appeared from the best historians of those times that they frequently sent their clothes to the fuller, to be cleaned and whitened; but that the inferior people, to avoid that expense, generally wore brown clothes, and of a something coarser texture, - till towards the beginning of Augustus's reign, when the slave dressed like his master, and almost every distinction of habiliment was lost, but the latus clavus.

"And what was the latus clavus?" said my father.

Rubenius told him that the point was still litigating amongst the learned; that Egnatius, Sigonius, Bossius Ticinensis, Bayfius, Budæus, Salmasius, Lipsius, Lazius, Isaac Casaubon, and Joseph Scaliger all differed from each other, and he from them. That some took it to be the button, some the coat itself, others only the color of it; that the great Bayfius, in his Wardrobe of the Ancients, chap. 12, honestly said he knew not

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