he shall: Here will I plant myself, and through my breast he shall make his passage, if he en ters. Patch. A most heroic resolution! there might be ways found out more to your advantage: policy is often preferred to open force. Cha. I apprehend you not. Patch. What think you of personating this Spaniard, imposing upon the father, and marrying your mistress by his own consent? Cha. Say'st thou so, my angel? Oh, could that be done, my life to come would be too short to recompense thee: but how can I do that, when I neither know what ship he came in, nor from what part of Spain, who recommends him, or how attended? Patch. I can solve all this. He is from Madrid; his father's name Don Pedro Questo Portento Babinetto. Here's a letter of his to sir Jealous, which he dropt one day. You understand Spanish, and the hand may be counterfeited.— You conceive me, sir? Cha. My better genius! Thou hast revived my drooping soul. I'll about it instantly. Come to my lodgings, and we'll concert matters. [Exeunt. SCENE III-A garden-gate open; SCENTWELL waiting within. Enter SIR GEORGE AIRY. love! Who would have given a hundred pounds only to have seen a woman he had not infinitely loved? So I find my liking him has furnished me with arguments enough of his side; and now, the only doubt remains whether he will come or no. Enter SCENTWELL and SIR GEORGE. Scent. That's resolved, madam; for here's the knight. [Exit SCENTWELL. Sir Geo. And do I once more behold that lovely object, whose idea fills my mind, and forms my pleasing dreams! Mir. What, beginning again in heroicks!Sir George, don't you remember how little fruit your last prodigal oratíon produced? Not one bare single word in answer. Sir Geo. Ha! the voice of my incognita!Why did you take ten thousand ways to captivate a heart your eyes alone had vanquished?" Mir. Pr'ythee, no more of these flights; for our time's but short, and we must fall to business. Do you think we can agree on that same terrible bugbear, matrimony, without heartily repenting on both sides? Sir Geo. It has been my wish since first my longing eyes beheld you. Mir. And your happy ears drank in the pleasing news I had thirty thousand pounds. Sir Geo. Unkind! did I not offer you, in those purchased minutes, to run the risk of your fortune, so you would but secure that lovely person to my arms? Sir Geo. So, this is the gate, and most invitingly open. If there should be a blunderbuss here, now, what a dreadful ditty would my fall Mir. Well, if you have such love and tendermake for fools, and what a jest for the wits!ness, since our wooing has been short, pray rehow my name would be roared about the streets! serve it for our future days, to let the world see Well, I'll venture all. we are lovers after wedlock; 'twill be a novelty. Scent. Hist, hist! sir George Airy- [Enters. Sir Geo. A female voice! thus far I'm safeMy dear! Scent. No, I'm not your dear; but I'll conduct you to her. Give me your hand; you must go through many a dark passage and dirty step before you arrive Sir Geo. I know I must, before I arrive at paradise; therefore, be quick, my charming guide. Scent. For aught you know. Come, come, your hand, and away. Sir Geo. Here, here, child; you can't be half so swift as my desires. SCENE IV.-The house. Enter MIRANDA. [Exeunt. Mir. Well, let me reason a little with my mad Sir Geo. Haste then, and let us tie the knot, and prove the envied pair Mir. Hold, not so fast; I have provided better than to venture on dangerous experiments headlong- -My guardian, trusting to my dissembled love, has given up my fortune to my own disposal, but with this proviso, that he to-morrow morning weds me. He is now gone to Doctors Commons for a licence. Sir Geo. Ha! a licence! Mir. But I have planted emissaries that infallibly take him down to Epsom, under a pretence that a brother usurer of his is to make him his executor, a thing on earth he covets. undeceived: that time is ours. Sir Geo. 'Tis his known character. Mir. Now my instruments confirm him this man is dying, and he sends me word he goes this self. Now, don't I transgress all rules, to ven-minute. It must be to-morrow ere he can be ture upon a man without the advice of the grave and wise? But then, a rigid, knavish guardian, who would have married me-to whom? even to his nauseous self, or nobody. Sir George is what I have tried in conversation, inquired into his character, and am satisfied in both. Then his Sir Geo. Let us improve it then, and settle on our coming years endless, endless happiness! Mir. I dare not stir till I hear he's on the road -then I and my writings, the most material point, are soon removed. Sir Geo. I have one favour to ask if it lies in your power, you would be a friend to poor Charles; though the son of this tenacious man, he is as free from all his vices as nature and a good education can make him; and what now I have vanity enough to hope will induce you, he is the man on earth I love. Mir. I never was his enemy, and only put it on as it helped my designs on his father. If his uncle's estate ought to be in his possession, which I shrewdly suspect, I may do him a singular piece of service. Sir Geo. You are all goodness. Enter SCENTWELL. Scent. Oh, madam! my master and Mr Marplot are just coming into the house. Mir. Undone, undone ! if he finds you here in this crisis all my plots are unravelled. Sir Geo. What shall I do? can't I get back into the garden? Scent. O no! he comes up those stairs. Mir. Here, here, here! can you condescend to stand behind this chimney-board, sir George? Sir Geo. Any where, any where, dear madam! without ceremony. Scent. Come, come, sir; lie close [They put him behind the chimney Sir Fran. No, no, hussy; you have the green pip already; I'll have no apothecary's bills. [Goes towards the chimney. Mir. Hold, hold, hold, dear Gardy! I have a, a, a, a, a, monkey shut up there; and if you open it before the man comes that is to tame it, 'tis so wild 'twill break all my china, or get away, and that would break my heart; for I'm fond on't to distraction-next thee, dear Gardy! [In a flattering tone. Sir Fran. Well, well, Chargy, I won't open it; she shall have her monkey, poor rogue! Here, throw this peel out of the window. [Exit SCENT. Mar. A monkey! dear madam, let me see it; I can tame a monkey as well as the best of them all. Oh, how I love the little miniatures of man! Mir. Be quiet, mischief! and stand farther from the chimney- -You shall not see my monkey-why sure[Striving with him. Mar. For Heaven's sake, dear madam! let me but peep, to see if it be as pretty as lady Fiddle Faddle's. Has it got a chain? Mir. Not yet, but I design it one shall last its lifetime. Nay, you shall not see it.—Look, Gardy, how he teazes me ! Sir Fran. [Getting between him and the chimboard.ney.] Sirrah, sirrah, let my Ghargy's monkey alone, or bamboo shall fly about your ears. What is there no dealing with you. Enter SIR FRANCIS and MARPLOT; SIR FRANcis peeling an orange. Sir Fran. I could not go, though 'tis upon life and death, without taking leave of dear Chargy. Besides, this fellow buzzed into my ears, that thou might'st be so desperate as to shoot that wild rake which haunts the garden-gate, and that would bring us into trouble, dear— Mir. So, Marplot brought you back then? Mar. Yes, I brought him back. Mir. I'm obliged to him for that, I'm sure. [Frowning at MARPLOT aside. Mar. By her looks she means she's not obliged to me. I have done some mischief now, but what, I can't imagine. Sir Fran. Well, Chargy, I have had three messengers to come to Epsom, to my neighbour Squeezum's, who, for all his vast riches, is departing. [Sighs. Mar. Ay, see what all you usurers must come to. Sir Fran. Peace, you young knave! Some forty years hence I may think on't-But, Chargy, I'll be with thee to-morrow before those pretty eyes are open; I will, I will, Chargy; I'll rouse you, i'faith-Here, Mrs Scentwell, lift up your lady's chimney-board, that I may throw my peel in, and not litter her chamber. Mir. Oh my stars! what will become of us now? Scent. Oh, pray, sir, give it me; I love it above all things in nature; indeed I do. Mar. Pugh, pox of the monkey! here's a rout! I wish he may rival you. Enter a Servant. Ser. Sir, they have put two more horses to the coach, as you ordered, and 'tis ready at the door. Sir Fran. Well, I am going to be executor; better for thee, jewel. B'ye, Chargy; one buss! -I'm glad thou hast got a monkey to divert thee a little. Mir. Thank'e, dear Gardy!-Nay, I'll see you to the coach. Sir Fran. That's kind, adad! [To MARPLOT. Mar. [Stepping back.] Egad, I will see the monkey now. [Lifts up the board, and discovers SIR GEORGE.] O Lord! O Lord! Thieves ! thieves! murder! Sir Geo. Damn ye, you unlucky dog! 'tis I, Which way shall I get out? Shew me instantly, or I'll cut your throat. Mar. Undone, undone! At that door there. But hold, hold; break that china, and--I'll bring you off. [He runs off at the corner, and throws down some china.] Re-enter SIR FRANCIS, MIRANDA, and SCENT WELL. Sir Fran. Mercy on me! what's the matter? Mir. O, you toad! what have you done? Mar. No great harm; I beg of you to forgive me: Longing to see the monkey, I did but just raise up the board, and it flew over my shoulders, scratched all my face, broke yon china, and whisked out of the window. Sir Fran. Where, where is it, sirrah? Mar. There, there, sir Francis, upon your neighbour Parmazan's pantiles. Sir Fran. Was ever such an unlucky rogue! Sirrah, I forbid you my house. Call the servants to get the monkey again. Pug, Pug, Pug! I would stay myself to look for it, but that you know my earnest business. Scent. Oh, my lady will be best to lure it back all them creatures love my lady extremely. Mir. Go, go, dear Gardy! I hope I shall reCover it. Sir Fran. B'ye, b'ye, dearee! Ah, mischief! how you look now! B'ye, b'ye. [Exit SIR FRAN. Mir. Scentwell, see him in the coach, and bring me word. Scent. Yes, madam. [Exit SCENT. Mir. So, sir, you have done your friend a signal piece of service, I suppose? Mar. Why, look you, madam, if I have committed a fault, thank yourself; no man is more serviceable when I am let into a secret, and none more unlucky at finding it out. Who could divine your meaning? when you talked of a blunderbuss, who thought of a rendezvous? and when you talked of a monkey, who the devil dreamt of sir George? Mir. A sign you converse but little with our sex, when you can't reconcile contradictions. Enter SCENTWELL. Scent. He's gone, madam, as fast as the coach and six can carry him Enter SIR GEORGE. Sir Geo. Then I may appear. Mar. Here's Pug, ma'am-Dear sir George! make my peace. On my soul I never took you for a monkey before! Sir Geo. I dare sware thou didst not. Madam, I beg you to forgive him. Mir. Well, sir George, if he can be secret. Mar. 'Odsheart, madam! I'm as secret as a priest, when trusted. Sir Geo. Why, 'tis with a priest our business is at present. Scent. Madam, here's Mrs Isabinda's woman to wait on you. Mir. Bring her up. Enter PATCH. How do ye, Mrs Patch? What news from your lady? Patch. Charles. Mar. Ha! then there's something a-foot that I know nothing of. I'll wait on you, sir George. Sir Geo. A third person may not be proper, perhaps. As soon as I have dispatched my own affairs, I am at his service. I'll send my servant to tell him I'll wait on him in half an hour. Mir. How came you employed in this message, Mrs Patch? Patch. Want of business, madam; I am discharged by my master, but hope to serve my lady still. Mir. How! discharged! you must tell me the whole story within. Patch. With all my heart, madam. Mar. Tell it here, Mrs Patch. Pish, Pox! I wish I were fairly out of the house. I find marriage is the end of this secret; and now I am half mad to know what Charles wants him for. [Aside. Sir Geo. Madam, I'm doubly pressed by love and friendship. This exigence admits of no delay. Shall we make Marplot of the party? Mir. If you'll run the hazard, sir George; I believe he means well. Mar. Nay, nay; for my part, I desire to be let into nothing; I'll be gone; therefore, pray don't mistrust me. [Going. Sir Geo. So, now he has a mind to be gone to Charles: but not knowing what affairs he may have upon his hands at present-I'm resolved he shan't stir. No, Mr Marplot, you must not leave us; we want a third person. [Takes hold of him. Mar. I never had more mind to be gone in my life. Mir. Come along, then; if we fail in the voyage, thank yourself for taking this ill-starred gentleman on board. Sir Geo. That vessel ne'er can unsuccessful prove, Whose freight is beauty, and whose pilot's love. Sir Geo. Marplot! Marplot! Mar. [Entering.] Here! I was coming, sir George. Lord, can't you let one tie up one's garter? [Exeunt. SCENE I. ACT V. Enter MIRANDA, PATCH, and SCENTWELL. Mir. WELL, Patch, I have done a strange bold thing; my fate is determined, and expectation is no more. Now, to avoid the impertinence and roguery of an old man, I have thrown myself into the extravagance of a young one: if he should despise, slight, or use me ill, there's no remedy from a husband but the grave; and that's a terrible sanctuary to one of my age and con stitution. Patch. O! fear not, madam; you'll find your account in sir George Airy; it is impossible a man of sense should use a woman ill, endued with beauty, wit, and fortune. It must be the lady's fault, if she does not wear the unfashionable name of wife easy, when nothing but complaisance and good humour is requisite on either side to make them happy. Mir. I long till I am out of this house, lest any accident should bring my guardian back. Scentwell, put my best jewels into the little casket, slip them into thy pocket, and let us march off to sir Jealous's. Scent. It shall be done, madam. [Exit SCENT. Patch. Sir George will be impatient, madam. If their plot succeeds, we shall be well received; if not, he will be able to protect us. Besides, I long to know how my young lady fares. Mir. Farewell old Mammon, and thy detested walls! Twill be no more sweet sir Francis! I shall be compelled the odious task of dissembling no longer to get my own, and coax him with the wheedling names of my precious, my dear, dear Gardy! O Heavens ! Enter SIR FRANCIS behind. Sir Fran. Ah, my sweet Chargy! don't be frighted [She starts] but thy poor Gardy has been abused, cheated, fooled, betrayed; but nobody knows by whom. Mir. Undone, past redemption! [Aside]. Sir Fran. What! won't you speak to me, Chargy? Mir. I am so surprised with joy to see you, I know not what to say. Mir. The wench is a fool, I think! could you not have carried it to be mended without putting it in the box? Sir Fran. What's the matter? Mir. Only, dearee! I bid her, I bid her—→ Your ill usage has put every thing out of my head. But won't you go, Gardy, and find out these fellows, and have them punished?-and, and Sir Fran. Where should I look for them, child? no, I'll sit me down contented with my safety, nor stir out of my own doors till I go with thee to a parson. Mir. [Aside.] If he goes into his closet I am ruined. "Oh bless me ! in this fright I had forgot Mrs Patch. Patch. Aye, madam; and I stay for your speedy answer. Mir. [Aside.] I must get him out of the house. Now, assist me, Fortune! Sir Fran. Mrs Patch! I profess I did not see you: how dost thou do, Mrs Patch? Well, don't you repent leaving my Chargy? Patch. Yes, every body must love her but I come now- -Madam, what did I come for? my invention is at the last ebb. [Aside to MIRAnda. Sir Fran. Nay, never whisper; tell me. Mir. She came, dear Gardy! to invite me to her lady's wedding, and you shall go with me, Gardy; 'tis to be done this moment, to a Spanish merchant. Old sir Jealous keeps on his humour; the first minute he sees her, the next he marries her. Sir Fran. Ha, ha, ha, ha! I'd go, if I thought the sight of matrimony would tempt Chargy to perform her promise. There was a smile! there was a consenting look, with those pretty twinklers, worth a million! Ods-precious! I am happier than the Great Mogul, the emperor of China, or all the potentates that are not in wars.Speak, confirm it, make me leap out of my skin! Mir. When one has resolved, 'tis in vain to stand shilly-shally. If ever I marry, positively this is my wedding-day. Sir Fran. Oh! happy, happy man! Verily I will beget a son the first night shall disinherit that dog, Charles. I have estate enough to purchase a barony, and be the immortalizing the whole fa Sir Fran. Poor dear girl! But do you know that my son, or some such rogue, to rob or murder me, or both, contrived this journey? for, up-mily of the Gripes. on the road, I met my neighbour Squeezum well, and coming to town. Mir. Good lack! good lack! what tricks are there in this world! Enter SCENTWELL, with a diamond necklace in Mir. Come, then, Gardy; give me thy hand; let's to this house of Hymen. My choice is fixed, let good or ill betide. [Exeunt. Enter SIR JEALOUS, meeting a Servant. Sere. Sir, here's a couple of gentlemen inquire SY for you; one of them calls himself Signior Diego Babinetto. Sir Jeal. Ha! Signior Babinetto! admit them instantly-joyful minute! I'll have my daughter married to-night. Enter CHARLES in a Spanish habit, with SIR GEORGE, dressed like a merchant. Senhor, beso las manos: vuestra merced es muy bien venido en esta tierra. Cha. Senhor, soy muy humilde, y muy obligado cryado de vuestra merced: mi padre embia a vuestra merced, los mas profondos de sus respetos; y a commissionado este mercadel Ingles, de concluyr un negocio, que me haze el mas dichoss hombre del mundo, haziendo me su yerno. Sir Jeal. I am glad on't, for I find I have lost much of my Spanish. Sir, I am your most humble servant. Signior Don Diego Babinetto has informed me that you are commissioned by signior Don Pedro, &c. his worthy father Sir Geo. To see an affair of marriage consummated between a daughter of your's and signior Diego Babinetto his son here. True, sir, such a trust is reposed in me, as that letter will inform you. I hope, 'twill pass upon him.[Aside.] [Gives him a letter. Sir Jeal. Aye, 'tis his hand. [Seems to read. Sir Geo. Good; you have counterfeited to a nicety, Charles. [Aside to CHARLES. Cha. If the whole plot succeeds as well, I'm happy. Sir Jeal. Sir, I find by this that you are a man of honour and probity; I think, sir, he calls you Meanwell? Sir Geo. Meanwell is my name, sir. Sir Jeal. A very good name, and very significant. Cha. Yes, faith, if he knew all. [Aside. Sir Jeal. For, to mean well, is to be honest; and to he honest, is the virtue of a friend; and a friend is the delight and support of human society. Sir Geo. You shall find that I'll discharge the part of a friend in what I have undertaken, sir Jealous. Cha. But little does he think to whom. [Aside. Sir Geo. Therefore, sir, I must entreat the presence of your fair daughter, and the assistance of your chaplain; for signior Don Pedro strictly enjoined me to see the marriage rites performed as soon as we should arrive, to avoid the accidental overtures of Venus. Sir Jeal. Overtures of Venus! Sir Jeal. Nay, I know this town swarms with them. Sir Geo. Aye, and then you know the Spaniards are naturally amorous, but very constant; the first face fixes them; and it may be very dangerous to let him ramble ere he is tied. Cha. Well hinted. Sir Jeal. Pat to my purpose! Well, sir, there is but one thing more, and they shall be married instantly. Cha. Pray Heaven, that one thing more don't spoil all! [Aside. Sir Jeal. Don Pedro writ me word, in his last but one, that he designed the sum of five thousand crowns, by way of jointure, for my daughter; and that it should be paid into my hand upon the day of marriage Cha. Oh, the devil! [Aside. Sir Jeal. In order to lodge it in some of our funds, in case she should become a widow, and return for England Sir Geo. Pox on't, this is an unlucky turn!— What shall I say? [Aside. Sir Jeal. And he does not mention one word of it in this letter. Cha. I don't know how he should. [Aside. Sir Geo. Humph! True, sir Jealous, he told me such a thing, but, but, but, but-he, he, he he did not imagine that you would insist upon the very day; for, for, for, for money, you know, is dangerous returning by sea, an, an, an, an Cha. Zounds! say we have brought it in commodities. [Aside to SIR GEORGE. Sir Geo. And so, sir, he has sent it in merchandize, tobacco, sugars, spices, lemons, and so forth, which shall be turned into money with all expedition: in the mean time, sir, if you please to accept of my bond for performance Sir Jeal. It is enough, sir; I am so pleased with the countenance of signior Diego, and the harmony of your name, that I'll take your word, and will fetch my daughter this moment. With in there. Cha. Wondrous well! let me embrace thee. Sir Geo. Egad, that five thousand crowns had like to have ruined the plot. Cha. But that's over; and if Fortune throws Sir Geo. Aye, sir; that is, those little hawk-no other rubs in our way——— ing females that traverse the Park and the playhouse to put off their damaged ware-they fasten upon foreigners like leeches, and watch their arrival as carefully as the Kentish men do a shipwreck I warrant you they have heard of him already. Sir Geo. Thou'lt carry the prize-But hist! here he comes. Enter SIR JEALOUS, dragging in ISABINDA. Sir Jeal. Come along, you stubborn baggage you! come along. |