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accursed imp of the infernal Old Nick. | all my life-time, held debt to be as an And there is made, what ? Debts : a thing union or conjunction of the heavens with most precious and dainty, of great use the earth, and the whole cement whereby and antiquity. Debts, I say, surmount- the race of mankind is kept together; ing the number of syllables which may yea, of such virtue and efficacy, that, I result from the combination of all the say, the whole progeny of Adam would consonants with each of the vowels here- very suddenly perish without it. Theretofore projected, reckoned and calculated fore, perhaps, I do not think amis, when by the noble Xenocrates. To judge of I repute it to be the great Soul of the the perfection of debtors by the nuiner- Universe, which (according to the opinion osity of their creditors, is the readiest of the Academics) vivified all manner of way for entering into the mysteries of things. In confirmation whereof, that practical arithmetic.
you may the better believe it to be so, You can hardly imagine how glad I am, represent unto yourself, without any when every morning I perceive myself prejudice of spirit, in a clear and serene environed and surrounded with brigades fancy, the idea and form of some other of creditors; humble, fawning and full of world than this; take, if you please, and their reverences : And whilst I remark, lay hold on the thirtieth of those which that as I look more favorably upon, and the philosopher Metrodorus did enumergive a cheerful countenance to one than ate, wherein it is to be supposed there is another, the fellow thereupon buildeth a no debtor or creditor, that is to say, a conceit' that he shall be the first dis- world without debts. There amongst patched, and the foremost in the date of the planets will be no regular course. payment; and he valueth my smiles at All will be in disorder. Jupiter reckoning the rate of ready money, It seemeth himself to be nothing indebted unto unto me, that I then act and personate the Saturn, will go near to detrude him out God of the Passion of Saumure, accom- of his sphere, and with the Homeric panied with his angels and cherubims. chain will be like to hang up all the in
These are my flatterers, my soothers, telligences, gods, heavens, demons, hemy clawbacks, my smoothers, my para- roes, devils, earth and sea, together with sites, my saluters, my givers of good the other elements.
Saturn, no doubt, morrows, and perpetual orators, which combining with Mars will 'reduce the makes me verily think, that the suprem- world into a chaos of confusion. est height of heroic virtue, described by Mercury then would be no more subHesiod, consisteth in being a debtor, jected to the other planets ; he would wherein I held the first degree in my scorn to be any longer their Camillus ' as commencement. Which dignity, though he was of old termed in the Hetrurian all human creatures seem to aim at, and tongue; for it is to be imagined that he is aspire thereto, few nevertheless, because no way a debtor to them. Venus will be of the difficulties in the way, and in- no more venerable, because she shall cumbrances of hard passages, are able have lent nothing. The moon will remain to reach it, as is easily perceivable by the bloody and obscure: For to what end ardent desire and vehement longing should the sun impart unto her any of his harbored in the breast of every one, to light? He owed her nothing. Nor yet be still creating more debts, and new will the sun shine upon the earth, nor creditors.
the stars send down any good influence, Yet doth it not lie in the power of every because the terrestrial globe hath desisted one to be a debtor. To acquire creditors from sending up their wonted nourishis not at the disposure of each man's ment by vapors and exhalations, wherearbitrament. You nevertheless would with Heraclitus maintained they were deprive me of this sublime felicity. You cherished and alimented. There would ask me when I will be out of debt.
likewise be in such a world no manner of Well, to go yet farther on, and possibly symbolization, alternation, nor transmu. worse in your conceit, may Saint Bablin, tation amongst the elements; for the the good saint, snatch me, if I have not one will not esteem itself obliged to the
1 That is, their servant; for the Ancients called by 1 Xenocrates made them to amount to 100,200,000 the name of Camilli those young boys that attended wyllables from the Greek alphabet.
on the priests in the sacrifices.
other, as having borrowed nothing at all | if conformable to the pattern of this griev. from it. Farth then will not become wa- ous, peevish, and perverse world which ter, water will not be changed into air, lendeth nothing, you figure and liken the of 'air will be made no fire, and fire little world, which is man, you will find in will afford no heat unto the earth; the him a terrible jostling coyle and clutter : earth will produce nothing but monsters, The head will not lend the sight of his titans, giants; no rain will descend eyes to guide the feet and hands; the upon it, nor light shine thereon; no legs will refuse to bear up the body; wind will blow there, nor will there be in the hands will leave off working any it any summer or autumn. Lucifer will more for the rest of the members; the break loose, and issue forth of the depth heart will be weary of its continual mo: of hell, accompanied with his furies, tion for the beating of the pulse, and will fiends, and horned devils will go about no longer lend his assistance; the lungs to unnestle and drive out of heaven all will withdraw the use of their bellows; the gods, as well of the greater as of the the liver will desist from conveying any lesser nations. Such a world without more blood through the veins for the lending, will be no better than a dog-ken- good of the whole; the bladder will not nel, a place of contention and wrangling, be indebted to the kidneys, so that the more unruly and irregular than that of urine thereby will be totally stopped. the Rector of Paris; a devil of an hurly. The brains, in the interim, considering burly, and more disordered confusion, this unnatural course, will fall into a than that of the plagues (plays of Douay. raving dotage, and withhold all feeling Men will not then salute one another; it from the sinews, and motion from the will be but lost labor to expect aid or muscles : Brierly, in such a world withsuccor from any, or to cry, fire, water, out order and array, owing nothing, murther, for none will put to their help- lending nothing and borrowing nothing, ing hand. Why? He lent no money; you would see a more dangerous conspithere is nothing due to him. No ody is ration than that which Æsop exposed in concerned in his burning, in his ship: his Apologue. Such a world will perish wreck, in his ruin or in his death; and undoubtedly; and not only perish but that because he hitherto had lent nothing, perish very quickly. Were it Æsculapius and would never thereafter have lent any himself
, his body would immediately rot, thing. In short, Faith, Hope, and Chari- and the chafing soul full of indignation ty would be quite banished from such a take its flight to all the devils of hell world; for men are born to relieve and after my money. assist one another; and in their stead On the contrary, be pleased to represent would succeed and be introduced defiance, unto your fancy another world, wheredisdain and rancor, with the most ex- in every one lendeth, and every one oweth, ecrable troop of all evils, all impreca- all are debtors, and all creditors. O how tions and all miseries. Whereupon you great will that harmony be, which shall will think, and that not amiss, that Pan- thereby result from the regular motions dora had there split her unlucky bottle. of the heavens ! Methinks I hear it Men unto men will be wolves, hob- every whit as well as Plato did. What thrushers and goblins, (as were Lycaon, sympathy there will be amongst the eleBellerophon, Nebuchodonosor) plunder- ments! O how delectable then unto naers, highway-robbers, cut-throats, rap- ture will be our own works and producparees, murtherers, poisoners, assassina- tions! Whilst Ceres appeareth laden tors, lewd, wicked, malevolent, pernicious with corn, Bacchus with wines, Flora haters, set against everybody, like to Is- with flowers, Pomona with fruits, and mael, Metabus, or Timon the Athenian, Juno fair in a clear air, wholesome and who for that cause was named Misan- pleasant: I lose myself in this high conthropos; in such sort, that it would prove templation. much more easy in nature to have fish Then will among the race of manentertained in the air, and bullocks fed kind, peace, love, benevolence, fidelity, in the bottom of the ocean, than to sup- tranquillity, rest, banquets, feastings, port or tolerate a rascally rabble of peo- joy, gladness, gold, silver, single money, ple that will not lend. These fellows (I chains, rings, with other ware, and vow) do I hate with a perfect hatred; and Ichaffer of that nature be found to trot
from hand to hand; no suits at law, proper office. And such is their hierno wars, no strife, debate, nor wrang- archy, that perpetually the one borrows ling; none will be there an usurer, none from the other, the one lends the other, will be there a pinchpenny, a scrape. and the one is the other's debtor. The good wretch, or churlish hard-hearted stuff and matter convenient which narefuser. Good God! Will this not be ture giveth to be turned into blood is the golden age in the reign of Saturn? bread and wine. All kind of nourishing The true idea of the Olympic regions victuals is understood to be comprewherein, all other virtues ceasing, Char- hended in these two, and from hence in ity alone ruleth, governeth, domineereth, the Gothic tongue is called Campanage. and triumpheth? All will be fair and To find out this meat and drink, 10 pregoodly people there, all just and virtuous. pare and boil it, the hands are put to
Happy world! 0 people of that work, the feet do walk and bear up the world most happy! Yea, thrice and four whole bulk of the corporal mass; the times blessed is that people! I think in eyes guide and conduct all; the appetite very deed that I am amongst them, and in the orifice of the stomach, by means swear to you, by my good forsooth, that of little sourish black humor (called if this glorious aforesaid world had a melancholy) which is transmitted thereto pope, abounding with cardinals, that so from the milk, giveth warning to shut in he might have the association of a sacred the food. The tongue doth make the college, in the space of a very few years first essay, and tastes it; the teeth do you should be sure to see the saints much chaw it, and the stomach doth receive, thicker in the roll, more numerous won- digest and chilify it, the mesaraick veins der-working and mirifick, more services, suck out of it what is good and fit, leavmore vows, more staff-bearers, more wax ing behind the excrements, which are, candles than are all those in the nine through special conduits for that purpose, bishoprics of Brittany, St. Yves only ex-voided by an expulsive faculty ; therecepted. Consider, Sir, I pray you, how after it is carried to the liver; where it the noble Patelin, having a mind to deify, being changed again, it, by the virtue of and extol even to the third heavens, the that new transmutation, becomes blood. father of William Josseaume, said no What joy, conjecture you, will then be more but this, And he did lend his goods founded amongst those officers, when to those who were desirous of them. they see this rivulet of gold, which is
O the fine saying! Now let our mi- their sole restorative? No greater is the crocosm be fancied conformable to this joy of alchimists, when after long travel, model in all its members; lending, bor- toil and expense, they see in their furrowing and owing, (that is to say) accord- naces the transmutation. Then is it that ing to its own nature : For nature hath every member doth prepare itself, and not to any other end created man, but strive anew to purify and to refine this to borrow and lend; no greater the har- treasure: The kidneys, through the mony amongst the heavenly spheres, emulgent veins draw that aquosity from than that which shall be found in its thence which you call urine: and there well ordered policy. The intention of send it away through the ureters to be the founder of this microcosm is, to have slipt downwards; where, in a lower rea soul therein to be entertained, which ceptacle, and proper for it, (to wit the is lodged there, as a guest with its host, bladder) it is kept, and stayeth there unit may live there for a while. Life con- til an opportunity to void it out in his due sisteth in blood, blood is the seat of the time. The spleen draweth from the soul; therefore the chiefest work of the blood its terrestrial part, viz., the microcosm, is, to be enaking blood con- grounds, lees, or thick substance settled tinually.
in the bottom thereof, which you term At this Forge are exercised all the mem- melancholy: The bottle of the gall subbers of the body; none is exempted from tracts from thence all the superfluous labor, each operates a part, and doth its choler; whence it is brought to another
shop or work-house to be yet better ? This is in the Farce of Patelin, where that arch purified and fined, that is, the heart, cheat, in order to engage Mr. William Josseaume to which by its agitation of diastolick and give him credit for his cloth, artfully falls to praising William's father, and 60 gained his point.
systolick motions so neatly subtilizeth
and inflames it, that in the right side | debt of marriage. Nature doth reckon ventricle it is brought to perfection, and pain to the refuser, with a most grievous through the veios is sent to all the mem- vexation to his members, and an outrabers; each parcel of the body draws it geous fury amidst his senses.
But on then unto itself, and after its own the other part to the lender a set reward, fashion is cherished and alimentated by accompanied with pleasure, joy, solace, it: Feet, hands, thighs, arms, eyes, mirth and merry glee. ears, back, breast, yea, all; and then it is that who before were lenders, now become debtors. The heart doth in its left-side ventricle so thinnify the blood WHY MONKS LOVE TO BE IN that it thereby obtains the name of
KITCHENS. spiritual; which being sent through the arteries to all the members of the body, What is the reason, asked friar John, serveth to warm and winnow or fan the that monks are always to be found in other blood which runneth through the kitchens; and kings, emperors and popes veins: The lights never cease with its are never there? Is there not, said Rhilappets and bellows to cool and refresh zotomus, some latent virtue and specific it; in acknowledgment of which good the propriety hid in the kettles, and pans, heart through the arterial vein imparts which as the load-stone attracts iron, unto it the choicest of its blood : At draws the monks there, and cannot attract last it is made so fine and subtle within emperors, popes, or kings? Or is it a the rete mirabile, that thereafter those natural induction and inclination, fixed in animal spirits are framed and composed the frocks and cowls, which of itself leads of it; by means whereof the imagina- and forceth those good religious men into tion, discourse, judgment, resolution, de- kitchens, whether they will or no? He liberation, ratiocination, and memory, means forms following matter, as Averhave their rise, actings, and operations. roës calls them, answered Epistemon,
Cops body, I sink, I drown, I perish, I Right, said friar John, wander astray, and quite fly out of my- I'll 'not offer to solve this problem, said self, when I enter into the consideration Pantagruel, for it is somewhat ticklish, of the profound abyss of this world, thus and you can hardly handle it without lending, thus owing. Believe me, it is a coming off scurvily, but I'll tell you what divine thing to lend, to owe an 'heroic I have heard. virtue. Yet is not this all; this little Antigonus, King of Macedon, one day world thus lending, owing, and borrow- coming into one of the tents, where his ing, is so good and charitable, that no cooks use to dress his meat, and finding sooner is the above-specified alimenta- there poet Antagoras frying a conger, and tion finished, but that it forthwith projec- holding the pan himself, merrily asked teth, and hath already forecast, how it him, pray, Mr. Poet, was Homer frying shall lend to those who are not as yet congers when he writ the deeds of Ágaborn, and by that loan endeavor what memnon? Antagoras readily answered: it may, to eternize itself, and multiply in but do you think, sir, that when Agamemimages like the pattern, that is, children. non did them, he made it his business to To this end every member doth of the know if any in his camp were frying conchoicest and most precious of its nour- gers? The king thought it an indecency ishment, pare and cut off a portion, then that a poet should be thus a frying in a instantly dispatcheth it downwards to that kitchen, and the poet let the king know place, where nature hath prepared for it that it was a more indecent thing for a very fit vessels and receptacles through king to be found in such a place I'll which descending to the genitories by clap another story upon the neck of this, long ambages, circuits and flexuosities, quoth Panurge, and will tell you what it receiveth a competent form, and rooms Breton Villandry answered one day to the apt enough both in the man and woman Duke of Guise. for the future conservation and perpetua- They were saying that at a certain battle ting of human kind. All this is done by of King Francis against the Emperor loans and debts of the one unto the Charles the Fifth, Breton armed cap-a-pie other; and hence have we this word, the to the teeth, and mounted like St. George,
yet sneaked off, and played least in sight for fuel to his kitchen fires. Whilst he during the engagement. Blood and oons, was going about so to do, and to have answered Breton, I was there and can pulled them to him by one of the bottom prove it easily; nay, even where you, my rings, which he had caught in his hand, Lord dared not have been The Duke the sturdy porter got out of his gripes, began to resent this as too rash and saucy, drew forth the knotty cudgel, and stood but Breton easily appeased him, and set to his own defence. them all a laughing. I gad, my Lord, The altercation waxed hot in words, quoth he, I kept out of harm's way, I was which moved the gaping hoydens of the all the while with your page Jack sulk- sottish Parisians to run from all parts ing in a privy, where you had not dared thereabouts, to see what the issue would hide your head as I did.
be of that babbling strife and contention In the interim of this dispute, to very good purpose Seyny John, the fool and
citizen of Paris, happened to be there, THE FOOL'S JUDGMENT. whom the cook perceiving, said to the
porter, wilt thou refer and submit unto At Paris, in the roast-meat cookery of the noble Seyny John, the decision of the the petit chastelet, before the cook-shop of difference and controversy which is beone of the roast-meat sellers of that lane, twixt us? Yes, by the blood of a goose, a certain hungry porter was eating his answered the porter, I am content bread, after he had by parcels kept it a Seyny John the fool, finding that the while above the reek and steam of a fat cook and porter had compromised the goose on the spit, turning at a great fire, determination of their variance and de. and found it so besmoked with the vapor, bate to the discretion of his award and to be savory; which the cook observing, arbitrament, after that the reasons on took no notice, till after having ravined either side, whereupon was grounded the his penny loaf whereof no morsel had mutual fierceness of their brawling jar, been unsmokified, he was about dis- had been to the full displayed and said camping and going away; but by your open before him, commanded the porter leave, as the fellow thought to have de- to draw out of the fob of his belt, a piece parted thence shot-free, the master-cook of money, if he had it. Whereupon the laid hold upon him by the gorget, and de- porter immediately without delay, in revmanded payment for the smoke of his erence to the authority of such a judicious roast-meat.
umpire, put the tenth part of a silver The porter answered, that he had sus. Phillip into his hand. This little Phillip, tained no loss at all; that by what he Seyny John took, then set it on his left had done there was no diminution of the shoulder, to try by feeling if it was of a flesh; that he had taken nothing of his, sufficient weight; after that, laying it on and that therefore he was not indebted to the palm of his hand, he made it ring him in any thing: as for the smoke in and tingle, to understand by the ear if it question, that, although he had not been was of a good alloy in the metal whereof there, it would howsoever have been evap- it was composed: thereafter he put it to orated: besides that, before that time it the ball or apple of his left eye, to explore had never been seen nor heard, that roast- by the sight if it was well stamped and meat smoke was sold upon the streets of marked; all which being done, in a proParis.
found silence of the whole doltish people, The cook hereto replied, that he was who were there spectators of this pageannot obliged nor any way bound to feed try, to the great hope of the cook's, and and nourish for nought a porter whom he despair of the porter's prevalency in the had never seen before, with the smoke of suit that was in agitation, he finally his roast-meat; and thereupon swore, that caused the porter to make it sound sevif he would not forthwith content and eral times upon the stall of the cook's satisfy him with present payment for the shop. repast which he had thereby got, that he Then with a presidential majesty holdwould take his crooked staves from off ing his bawble (sceptre-like) in his hand, his back; which instead of having loads muffling his head with a hood of marten thereafter laid upon them, should serve skins, each side whereof had the resem.